


Night Drabbles

by syriala



Series: Collection of Night Drabbles [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Asexuality, Break Up, Character Death, Drabble Collection, Fights, Getting Together, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Hydra, Identity Issues, Illnesses, Love Confessions, M/M, Mandalas, Nightmares, Platonic Cuddling, Recovery, Revenge Sex, Soulmates, Training, life support
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-05
Updated: 2015-03-24
Packaged: 2018-02-24 05:17:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 31
Words: 44,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2569544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syriala/pseuds/syriala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This will be a collection of the drabbles I write. There is no immediate plot in this and they ususally will be stand alones. I will update them as they come as well as the tags. I will also add a small warning at the beginning of every chapter if I feel like there is need for that as well as a short summary. So far we have:</p>
<p>...<br/>20) The death of the team - different ending<br/>21) Two times kisses made Bucky's and Tony's injuries better<br/>22) Bucky has to speak up before it's too late<br/>23) There were six mistakes a villain could make regarding Tony Stark<br/>24) Steve makes a promise. It's not him who can't keep it<br/>25) There had been an accident. Now Tony is faced with the thoughest decision he ever had to make.<br/>26) It's not only Bucky who is in love<br/>27) Sometimes all they need are cuddles<br/>28) Soulmate AU where you can't lie to your soulmate<br/>29) There are some things Bucky doens't want from Tony<br/>30) Bucky never thought that mandalas could help<br/>31) Tony is wearing too many masks for Bucky's liking</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Having His Back

**Author's Note:**

> This is a thing I started on sleepless nights and thanks to the good faith of a friend. I will update the tags as I go but if something is missing feel free to tell me. Also this is unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine. Sadly I own none of the characters.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James being a sniper for the Avengers

So of course James aids the Avengers after he had some time to adjust and heal. He doesn't become an Avenger right away but he helps on missions and he resumes his sharp shooting and he has all their backs even though he suspects that some of them are not too comfortable with that. 

But he does have their backs and he especially has Tony’s back when he’s without his armour. 

So when they are out on a mission and this bad guy creeps up behind Tony who doesn't notice him? James takes the shot even though the angle is off and he nicks Tony’s neck in the process. 

But there was no time to change positions and Tony was too busy fighting off another one and that is something Tony is not used to do without his armour, despite all the training he has with Steve and Clint and Natasha and sometimes even with James, and so James takes the shot. And the bullet grazes Tony who doesn't even flinch. 

And after the battle is over, after they won, James tries to explain, tries to put a bandage around Tony’s neck to stop the bleeding that already stopped on its own because it wasn't even that deep to begin with. 

He apologizes multiple times and he tries to explain that he had no other choice, that the guy would have killed Tony but Tony just looks at him and James fears that this will be it that he is off sniper duty and out of the team and back to being not trusted and this is not what he wanted. He needs the purpose, he needs to know that he is welcomed with the Avengers and he cannot lose that. 

But then Tony smiles and says: “I trust you. I trust you to have my back in battle and therefore I trust you with my life. There's nothing to apologize for.” 

And if James feels like crying for just a second? Well, no one has to know.


	2. Mean It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony/Steve get together

It was quiet and Tony just wanted to sleep for at least a day. But instead he was standing in his workshop trying to get rid of the last traces of adrenalin from the previous fight. The fight that nearly went wrong and Tony saw again how Steve nearly died. Which only prompted new adrenalin to flow through his body. 

He was so concentrated on trying to calm down that he nearly missed the door sliding open. Tony turned around to see Steve enter and he was still in his uniform and bloody and dirty but alive, he was still alive and that was good, that was really good. 

Steve stopped only a few inches away and he smiled at him. “Thank you for saving my life Tony.” 

“Yeah well, you know.... you would have done the same.” 

And Steve smiled again and raised his hand to cup Tony’s cheek and he said: “Yes I would have.” 

And Tony should just enjoy this, whatever this is, because if this turns out to be like he thinks then it’s what he wanted for a very long time and he knows that Steve will kiss him every second now and Tony grabs his hand and pulls it away. 

“Don't,” he whispers. “Not like this.” Not after a fight with too much adrenalin and both of them nearly dying and in the quietness of his workshop and he can't do it like this. 

“Don't do this until you mean it,” he tells Steve who is genuinely confused for a second but then he lowers his hand and takes a step back. 

And that hurt because even though Tony knows this is not a movie or a sweet love story he might have hoped for a second that Steve did mean it. But apparently he didn’t and so it's Tony’s turn to step back and to turn around and to walk away. He hears Steve wish him a good night and then the door closes behind him. 

It's almost three weeks later and Tony is still trying so desperately to not let it show how much he wanted something to happen that night and how much he regrets his words and how he sometimes really hates himself for talking without thinking. 

Even though he didn’t. It was thought through and he knows he would hurt so much more badly if he let Steve kiss him that night only for him to realize that, yeah, Tony is not really what he wanted. 

So he stands by his decision even if it hurts and it does. Every time Steve smiles at him or looks at him or comes close enough to touch. It hurts even three weeks later. 

And then suddenly Steve is back in his workshop and it's bright and music is blurring out of the speakers and Tony hasn’t slept in too long and Steve hasn't had a mission in forever and they are both there and Steve motions for Jarvis to turn the music down. 

Tony reflexively says: “Don't lower my music” even though he knows he needs to understand Steve, he knows that this is important, that he has to hear him. 

And Steve just stands there for a minute and looks at him until he's suddenly close again and all Tony can hear is: “I mean it.”


	3. Comfort Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint and Natasha seeking comfort in cuddles

It had been a bad fight. 

Thor had been knocked out for a few minutes and that means something. The bad guys had managed to trap the Hulk and that on itself was an accomplishment. Steve had somehow lost his powers and with Thor down it was for way too long. The suit had powered down thanks to an EMP and Tony nearly fell out of the sky. Natasha took a beating like you wouldn't believe and Clint. Well Clint lost his bow. 

He had been attacked by too many people and they snatched his bow and he really should have let Tony make that imprint thing he wanted, but no he had been too proud to allow Tony near his bow and now it was gone. 

And even worse than that, it broke. They broke it. 

Clint felt sick even thinking about that and so he pushed the thought away. He continued his way through the hallway, stealthily, because he wasn't actually allowed here. 

For once he managed to stay out of medical except for a short check-up and then they banned him because he was fussing over Natasha but she was still there, just for one night of observation, and Clint needed Natasha right now. 

So he avoided nurses and doctors and finally slipped into her room. 

“You're late”, was the only greeting he got but he didn't care. It only showed that Tasha needed this as much as he did. 

“Sorry. People. And Fury.” 

Natasha made an understanding noise and lifted her blankets so that Clint could slip under them. He shuffled close to Natasha mindful of her injuries but she practically yanked him closer and she draped herself nearly all over him gripping him tight. 

“How are you?” she asked. 

“Bow broke. How are you?” 

“Lost a few minutes of memory,” was her short reply. 

And just like that they clutched each other even tighter and that's how the doctors found them in the morning.


	4. Make Them Proud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Bucky dealing with the Hydra conditioning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a bit dark and the major character death is happening in this chapter so if that is not for you then I suggest you skip this.
> 
> If you decide to read it: Enjoy. Or whatever.

Tony and Bucky had survived some rough patches. 

They made it through two of Tony’s abductions. Through one damaged arc reactor and therefor the temporary death of Tony. They survived Hydra taking Bucky back. They fought Hydras’ conditioning to bring him back and that ended in multiple injuries on the Avengers side because none of them were capable of hurting Bucky. 

After that last Hydra disaster they decided that it was time to find out exactly how many triggers Bucky had and then Tony and Natasha help him breaking all of his triggers. More often than not this ended in Tony being hurt. 

Natasha always came out relatively unscathed because the soldier seemed to focus on Tony but eventually they made it through all of that. 

And in the end they also made it through their own thick headedness and admitted that, yes, maybe there were some feelings involved. 

It took them nearly one and a half year before they were ready to give in to that. 

3 more weeks for the first kiss. 

An eternity for the first sex. 

After that another little eternity before they moved in together. 

But they made it, somehow they managed all of that, and now they were happy even though neither one of them was ready to say the three little words yet. 

In the end it was Steve who did and he changed everything with that. 

He and Bucky met in the kitchen where Bucky grabbed a late snack for him and Tony and Steve somehow couldn’t stop staring at him. 

“What?” Bucky asked but he smiled happily. 

“You are happy” Steve said and Bucky rolled his eyes. “Duh. Yes of course I am.” 

“No I mean glowing-whistling-smiling-happy.” 

“Yeah?” Bucky asked a bit distracted because he tried to decide which fruit to take back to Tony. 

“You love Tony” Steve said and Bucky lost his entire glow at that. 

Steve thought it was because he wasn't ready to hear that so he waved it off. “You know what, forget I ever said that.” He grabbed his juice and practically fled out of the kitchen. 

Bucky slowly, carefully made his way back to their bedroom, snack forgotten on the table. 

When he entered their bedroom Tony was already waiting for him. “That took forever. Where is my food?” He frowned when he saw that Bucky came back empty handed but smiled when he purposefully walked to the bed. 

“Ready for round two already?” he joked but Tony lost his smile when Bucky didn't respond to that and instead flexed his metal arm. 

“There will be no round two ever again for you” Bucky said and his voice was flat and dead. 

He could see how fear crept into Tony’s eyes and he knew he was thinking of calling the suit but he also knew it wouldn't make it in time. 

Tony was entirely unprepared for this scenario. 

And with that satisfying knowledge he wrapped his metal hand around Tony’s neck and crushed his windpipe. 

The soldier smiled now. Finally. He finally completed the mission he was conditioned for his whole life. 

Hydra would be so proud.


	5. A Good Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Bucky discussing Tony's size

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought about this right after Chapter 4, so I guess it's my way of coping with what my stupid brain does. This is entirely a fun chapter with no sad feelings whatsoever.

It had been a bad day for Bucky. 

He was struggling to keep the soldier at bay and it was so exhausting and he really didn’t want to fight him anymore and it was just a bad day. 

That was until Stark stormed into the room. He was talking to Jarvis making grand gestures and whirling through the kitchen. He had noticed Bucky because he had shortly greeted him but he was too busy doing whatever to stop and talk to him. 

But Bucky had no brain-to-mouth filter left and no consideration of when to not interrupt, especially not on a day like this, so he just blurted out: “How do you always seem so fucking large?” 

That made Stark stop and he looked at Bucky flabbergasted. “What do you mean?” he asked eventually. 

“Well you always seem to be 10 foot tall. But you can't be taller than what? 5'8?” 

“I am insulted. Consider me insulted.”

“But how do you do it?” Bucky asked and walked over to him who, true to Bucky’s words, was shorter than him. 

“I always have the feeling I should be looking up to you and then I remember that you are .... well... kind of tiny.” 

“Excuse me? I am not tiny. I am a perfectly grow man.” 

“Maybe. But how do you appear so big. Is it your shoes? Are they special?” 

“I'll have you known I don’t have to rely on things like special shoes. Besides I'm barefoot right now” Stark said and to prove his point he wiggled his toes at Bucky. “I don’t even know what you mean. I have always been the same height.” 

“But you don't seem it. What is your secret?” Bucky asked again and walked around him to investigate every angle. “It's like your personality is blowing you up” he eventually said and made a motion with his hands. 

“That's called ego and yes it does” Stark deadpanned but Bucky shook his head. 

“It's not your ego I'm talking about here. Just... how do you keep all of this” and here Bucky gestured at everything around Tony, “in that?” Now he pointed at his body. 

Tony gave a mock sigh. “Yeah it's hard pretending to be smaller than I really am. Seriously Barnes I have no idea what you are talking about.” 

“You are like Steve before the serum. He also seemed taller than he was.” 

“Yeah, good, compare me to your boyfriend. I think he will be really happy about that.” 

“I bet it's because of the character” Bucky mused and took another walk around Tony. 

“Or the genius thing. Maybe even the fact that I can't shut up. Are you done yet? Can I leave?” 

“Maybe it’s the fact that you seem to be too short to be this annoying” Bucky said with a smile. “But yes I am done. Move your tiny body out of here now.” 

“This tiny body is going to kick your ass if you are not careful Barnes. Really. Calling me tiny” Tony mumbled as he walked to the elevator. 

Bucky smiled sweetly at him when Tony stood in the elevator and Tony managed to give him the finger before the doors closed. 

Bucky chuckled and looked around trying to remember what he was doing before Tony had waltzed in. 

Right. He was having a bad day. 

Except… there was no trace of the soldier now. Bucky send a silent thank you to Tony and then he went to make his day a good day.


	6. Dumped And Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Bucky bonding over being dumped by Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally this was supposed to be a three part story with outlines and plot and everything but I was too lazy to do that so instead of the grown-up version you get the kid-version which was much easier to write. You could see Mean It as the first part of this but you can also read it as a stand alone.

The first time it happened had been a drunken thing. 

Bucky and Tony were lying on a couch and gossiping about Steve without admitting how much it actually hurt to talk to the person they were dumped for. So there was a lot of alcohol involved. And at some point they had moved closer and talked less about Steve and then they looked at each other and it had just felt right. 

And then suddenly there was kissing and making out and sex on the couch. 

And on the next morning they both agreed it was sad, alcoholic, we-were-just-left-by-the-same-person-sex and wouldn't happen again. They could both live with that and so it was fine. 

Until Steve found out. Because of course he would find out. They had no clue how he did it but he knew stuff like this and the next thing they knew was that they were both standing in the kitchen being yelled at by Steve. 

How they could do this. If this was their revenge for him leaving both of them. How it was unfair to hurt him like this, especially from Bucky since he knew Steve was still in love with Tony. How tony could have let that happen. How revenge sex is not going to do anything except hurt Steve. 

And so of course the second time was revenge sex. 

Because let’s face it neither of them cared much for Steve being hurt. 

Tony had worked his courage up for almost a year before he had made it clear that he was into Steve and they had two wonderful years before Steve had to go and fight the Winter Soldier only to find out it was Bucky. 

After that it took him three days to dump Tony. And then he came back with Bucky telling everyone how he found his long lost best friend and everyone could see that they were in love and probably had been for quite some time. 

But then Steve had to go and compare Bucky to Tony and he realized that  
Bucky obviously wasn’t what he wanted either. So he broke up with Bucky to go back to Tony. 

Only.... when he told Tony he wanted him back Tony said no. Because having his heart broken is one thing but having it broken twice by the same person? Not a thing Tony does. 

And because Bucky was also left by Steve too they formed some kind of strange friendship. Which now apparently led to revenge sex. And it was good revenge sex. 

They didn't even bother to hide it because what is the point of having revenge sex when the person you want to take revenge on doesn't know. 

And maybe they feel a bit bad about breaking Steve’s heart, just a tiny little bit, and so they drink again. Which leads to sex again. 

Which they are still not really talking about and so neither is sure what this is but when the next mission goes horribly wrong and they are all lucky to get out alive and with rather minor  
injuries? There is no question about the fact that Bucky goes up to Tony’s bedroom as soon as he’s cleared out of medical to reassure himself that Tony is still alive. And that leads to, of course, more sex. 

And they really don't question it and neither of them wants a relationship but suddenly they are spending time together and they are talking about stuff that has nothing to do with missions or Steve or the Avengers and it's strange but they click. 

So when Tony starts working on the arm and Bucky is spending more and more time in the workshop even after it is finished? No one is asking questions. And when the sex keeps happening and they are even more kisses and casual touches and what if Bucky stays to cuddle after sex? It’s not like Tony is throwing him out. Quite the contrary actually because he is pulling Bucky even closer. And if Bucky’s stuff somehow moves onto Tony’s floor? That is no one’s business but their own.


	7. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: The aftermath of what happened in Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a prompt from AO3 user Tina: God, poor Bucky when he finds out what he did...and Steve, who'd feel horribly guilty and Natasha too who didn't find that last trigger. Please do a sequel with their reactions to Tony's death!
> 
> I hope this meets the criteria. And just so you know this made me incredibly sad.

He knew something was horribly wrong when Jarvis started to shout at him. 

Bucky reflexively opened his hand, the one that was holding something, and expected to hear the shattering of glass or at least of something falling down but he heard nothing. 

He blinked a few times until he could see clearly and he realized he was back in their bedroom. A cold feeling washed over him because being here without remembering how he got there meant that the soldier took over and he had genuinely thought they were past that point now. 

He looked around and saw Tony lying on the bed right in front of him but he was not moving and his eyes were open and was that blood at his mouth? 

Bucky leaned down to shook him not really understanding what he saw but Tony was a lifeless weight in his hands and there was still no movement. 

Bucky’s breath hitched and he shook Tony stronger but there was still nothing happening and then Jarvis’ voice cut through the room like glass. “He is dead, Mister Barnes. There is nothing you can do for him.” 

“No no nonononono” Bucky mumbled and held Tony close. This couldn't happen. Tony wasn't supposed to die here in their bedroom. This couldn’t be. 

“What happened?” he asked, voice thick with unshed tears. 

“You killed him” was all the response he got and now he remembered Steve talking to him in the kitchen and he remembered that he felt how the soldier took over in a split second, too fast to do anything against it, and he couldn't have done this. 

Tony trusted him. They had worked through all of the triggers. This was not happening. This was not happening. He didn't do this. He would never. 

He loved Tony.

~~~~~

When Steve heard Jarvis yell for him he knew that something must have happened. Some break in into the tower. Some catastrophe that demanded the presence of the Avengers. 

So when he left his room he grabbed his shield and only then asked where he should go. Jarvis sent him to Tony’s and Bucky’s bedroom and that alone made Steve run there. 

When he opened the door he didn't understand what he was seeing at first. Bucky bend over a lifeless body that looked like Tony, crying and repeating over and over that this didn't happen. 

He looked at the ceiling for some support here but Jarvis remained silent and that was even more unsettling. Steve ventured carefully into the room and Bucky looked up like a startled animal and he clutched the body even tighter to him. 

“He is not dead. I didn't do this” he said though it was hard to make out under all the tears. 

Steve slowly approached them and he gently took hold of Tony’s wrist to check for a pulse that very obviously wasn't there anymore. Tony Stark was dead.

It took them hours to pry Tony’s body from Bucky’s hands but finally they managed. When they did Bucky stopped talking all together and he didn't even look at Steve. 

It was days later when Steve found out what exactly happened. Jarvis had refused to speak for several days and Bucky didn't speak either and so the team had been in the dark until Jarvis finally told them. 

After he did Steve had to run to the bathroom otherwise he would have puked right there on the carpet. 

It had been his words. His words that had prompted the soldier to come out to complete the mission. 

He had done this. He puked again. He had killed his friend. He had activated a trigger and killed his friend. 

And given by the state Bucky was in he might as well just have killed him too. Due to some words, some kindly meant words, because Bucky had been happy, so happy in the kitchen, he had ruined everything. 

And had more than a lifetime to live with the guilt of it.

~~~~~

Natasha had stayed out of the funeral preparations and anything that was team related. She only came to the tower very sporadically and when she did she always sneaked into Clint’s floor using the shower there to get rid of all the blood on her and let Clint stitch up whatever wounds she had. 

Only to go out the next day to kill as many Hydra agents she could find. And some shield agents whom she suspected to be Hydra. 

When she found one she made sure that they knew why they were being killed and she did it the exact same way that Tony was killed. Which required her to get close and thus ended in her often being hurt but she figured this was penance. 

Penance because she had been the one who had declared Bucky to be without triggers. Because she hadn't found that last one. And because she and her carelessness had gotten Tony killed. 

She had tried to apologize shortly before the funeral but Bucky was still.... catatonic seemed to be the best was to describe it and it hadn’t felt right to say it to him like that. 

She had done it anyway and the only response that showed that Bucky was still in there and had heard her had been the flex of his human hand. He had ripped the metal arm off at the fourth day after the incident. 

After that she had gone to Steve to apologize to him as well and he seemed in even worse shape than Bucky. He was pale and seemed sick and she knew he hadn't been able to stomach any food since that day. He had looked with hollowed eyes at her and then turned away to stare at the wall. 

Natasha had nodded and accepted this as her punishment but that didn't relieve her from killing Hydra agents. Not even Clint could stop her and he only tried it once and half-heartedly at best. 

They all attended the funeral, Pepper was there of course, just like Happy and Rhodey and they were all unashamedly crying. One quick glance showed her that Steve and Clint were crying too. Thor was his usual stoic self but she knew him well enough to see how shaken he was. Bruce couldn’t attend because he feared to lose control. Bucky was... there. And she. 

Well Natasha had seen regimes rise and fall. And even though she didn't tend to weep over that she wept openly for Tony Stark.


	8. To The Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Bucky was found by Shield but he doesn't yet remember Steve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a prompt by ff.net user stacy.charest: could you write a Bucky/Steve drabble where Bucky still doesn't have all his memories and he tries to hurt Steve but Steve calms him down and helps him through it.
> 
> I hope this is what you wanted.

When Shield called him to let him know that they had the Winter Soldier, Bucky, in their custody Steve immediately aborted his mission in Uganda and flew back to meet Coulson. 

It was a bit strange to think of him as the director but so far he had lived up to the post and the expectations and the fact that he had called Steve right away gave him extra points. 

When Steve arrived Natasha and Sam were already there since they had been a lot closer and not halfway around the planet. Steve barely took time to greet them before he turned to Coulson to ask where he was. 

Coulson showed him the way down to an especially secured room and true to his words Bucky was there. Steve had doubted Coulson’s words for some time on the plane when he had time to think and believed it was just an elaborated plan to get him back to Shield. 

There was only a bed in the room and Coulson had told him that a special force field kept him from breaking out. 

Bucky was sitting next to the bed on the floor and he was huddled over so that he seemed so much smaller than he really was and he hadn't even realized that they had entered the room. 

“We cut the audio transmission to his cell” Coulson explained to him. 

“I want you to let me in there” Steve said and turned to Coulson. 

“Captain, I would not recommend that. He is unstable. Violent. He is not your friend. He is still the Winter Soldier.” 

“No he is not” Steve said with more certainty than he felt. He wasn't an optimist per se he knew that bad stuff happened and wasn't always justified and not everything got better with time. But he had this tiny fragile hope that he could bring Bucky back. 

He saw he could do it on the helicarrier and he was certain that if Coulson would just let him in there he could try and it would work. It had to. 

“Please” he said silently without turning away from Coulson. “Let me in there. I can defend myself. I can bring him back.” His voice was urgent and Coulson sighed and rubbed his chin. “Fine. But we'll be watching.” 

“But you'll turn off the audio” Steve demanded. This whole situation was nerve-racking enough without them listening in. 

Coulson gave a tight nod and motioned for Steve to stand close to the barrier. “If we think you can't handle this we'll come in.” 

Steve nodded his agreement and Coulson lowered the barrier. Steve quickly stepped inside the room and Bucky sprang to his feet. 

“Bucky it's okay it's me. Steve.” 

“No” Bucky whispered and looked frantically around. 

“It's alright” Steve continued and walked slowly closer to him. “Do you remember what happened?” he asked and he nearly missed the frantic glint in Bucky’s eyes. 

Steve retreated a few steps and held out his hands. “I'm not here to hurt you. You know I'm not. I'm here to talk to you. You are my friend remember?” 

Bucky’s face got hard again, every confusion wiped off, and he spit the next words out. “You are my mission” and Steve felt his stomach drop at that because this was exactly like on the helicarrier and then he couldn't think anymore because Bucky was attacking him. 

He barely dodged the first hit and he belatedly recalled that Bucky was almost as fast as him and he was at a disadvantage because he didn't want to hurt Bucky. Bucky did not have these concerns and so the next fist hit him square in the jaw and Steve tumbled back keeping his hands up for defence. 

“Bucky, please. You know me. You have known me your whole life. Don't do this.” Steve’s voice was pleading and Bucky hesitated momentarily but then he threw out a kick that Steve barely blocked. 

“I don't know you” he panted and used his metal arm to gain the upper hand and he pushed Steve against the wall. “I don't remember anything” he sneered right in Steve’s face. 

“Yes you do. You do remember. You saved me when I fell. You brought me to the shore.” 

“You are my mission” Bucky said again and shifted his hand away from his sternum so that it was now around Steve’s neck. He saw Coulson motion for reinforcement but he waved them off. He could do this. He knew that Bucky  
was still in there. He had to be. 

“Buck. Listen to me. You said we would go into the future. And we both made it. Do you remember that?” 

Bucky squeezed his throat a little harder in response. 

“You told me not do anything stupid until you came back. Don't you recall this?”

Bucky’s hand stayed were it was but there wasn't that much pressure left. 

“You were different” he whispered after a few agonizing seconds and Steve smiled. 

“I was shorter then.” 

The pressure around his throat returned and Bucky glared at him. “I don't know you” he said again but he looked uncertain and it sounded more like a question.

“You do, Bucky, you do know me. Just think.” 

Bucky had this concentrating look on his face and he let Steve down. Steve wasn’t sure that touching him was such a good idea so he kept his hands by his side but his fingers desperately wanted to touch Bucky. 

“Think!” he urged Bucky on and after a few never-ending seconds he looked at Steve. 

“You said I would take all the stupid with me. But you were small.” 

Relief washed through Steve and he smiled. “Yes. Yes I did say that. And I got big because they used the serum on me.” 

“The....super soldier serum. You.... they used it on me too. Zola...” Bucky said haltingly before he fell silent again. 

“Yes he did” Steve said and now dared to lay a hand on Bucky’s shoulder. “But it's alright. We made it to the future together and it will be alright.” 

And when Bucky looked at him and gave the tiniest nod Steve thought that maybe everything would really be alright.


	9. Sun And Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He is the sun and you are the moon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't usually write second-person but this was stuck in my head and I had to get it out. So please enjoy

You look at him like he is the sun. 

He shines so bright, brighter than any other human you know and he orbits around you. 

But you are the moon and you are pale and grey in comparison to him. You only shine because of the light he reflects on you and while it makes you proud to stand in his light it also makes you sick that you can only shine when he is there. 

And he is the sun and sometimes his presence burns you but you still try to stay close and you still try to touch and he tries, he tries so hard, but you can't turn off the sun and in the end his heat consumes you. 

You think you are dead because it is so cold and you miss his heat, his light, but you also know it is gone and that you are not worthy of that anymore anyway. And then you know nothing at all for a long time. 

Until you meet again and his heat thaws you and you remember. You remember that he is the sun and you are the moon only you are not the moon anymore. 

The years have changed you and you feel closer to space now, a cold black vacuum that absorbs everything it can get. 

And his light doesn't reflect from you anymore because it is absorbed the second it hits you and you can see that he is still the sun but you can't feel the heat anymore since it goes right into that black dark hole that is you now and it doesn't make a difference. 

And you tell him that, you ask him to not shine so bright, to turn to someone else because you can't take it, it is not helping, but he doesn’t understand and he keeps orbiting around you like you are his sole purpose and you simply cannot take it any longer. 

You don't really remember enough to know why it feels so wrong to take and take from him but you know it is wrong and he doesn’t understand you anymore. 

And on some days when you are better, when you are not this black cold vacuum hole, you feel frozen and you actually think that’s a good thing for a second because maybe his heat can help you. 

But instead of helping, melting, it is burning you and you hurt and you want it to stop but he isn't backing down, he doesn't give you enough space to freeze all over again and slowly, so slowly, it gets better. 

It hurts less and less and you start to feel his warmth and you pretend it is yours even though you know it's just borrowed. 

The ice days get more and more and you learn to hide on your space days and it works. You feel more like the moon again every day even if you can never stay in his light again like you did before. 

But you benefit from his warmth and somehow it makes you a person again. 

You are not the same moon as before, that is for sure, but it doesn't make a difference since he isn't the same sun either. 

You have both grown into new things but somehow you managed to still be the sun and moon to each other.


	10. Ikea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are unable to assemble Ikea furniture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is essentially me dealing with the fact that I had one day of assembling Ikea furniture alone. I had to get through it somehow.

It was meant to be an easy weekend. One trip to Ikea to re-furniture the common floor so that everyone could add a little bit of their style to the floor and then set up the furniture. It should have been so easy. Instead it was havoc.

There were parts lying around everywhere and the necessary screws and tools were scattered across the floor along with the instructions that no one seemed able to follow. 

“Here can you decipher that? What does that mean? Why is there a second hole? What’s it for?” 

“I don't know, Clint” Steve said and he sounded tired. 

“Care to tell my why there's a screw left on the bed?” Bruce asked and held up the screw in question. 

“How should I know. That's my first trip to Ikea. I have no experience with that” Tony answered and ruffled his hair. 

It was all chaos and no one really knew what they were doing so they decided to call it quits that day and instead watched a movie sitting on the floor. 

They went back to the furniture in the morning and now everyone of them felt like they had the plan how to go on with this. Except none of them really did. And so it got even more chaotic. 

“Tony you are a computer genius maybe you should leave this to us you don't even know what you are doing.” 

“Cap, I swear to God if you imply here that I have no experience with building stuff I am going to hit you.” 

“No that wasn't what I....” Steve started and everyone could see that that had been exactly what he meant and so he quickly went on. “Maybe let me do it. You know. It's a lot like before. We used to do it all the time.” 

Before Tony could react to that Thor interrupted them. “Brethren, I think I should be the one to assemble this strong dresser. Given that I am the only one to pronounce it’s beautiful name correctly, the honour should fall to me.” 

Tony rolled his eyes but before he could tell Thor to step down and that the name had nothing to do with actual working on assembling it Clint’s voice flew down in the room. 

“Dear God, take away the screwdriver from him, please! You know guys you don't have the overlook over this. You should let me decide what to do.” 

“Maybe we would if you would actually come down here to help. And the vents are not an overlook. Get out of there.” Cap massaged the bridge of his nose. “Bruce if you could help us with this? I think we could use your calm here. Please stop drinking tea?”

Everyone stopped what they were doing to look over at Bruce who just continued to sip on his tea. “If I stop drinking this tea there will be no furniture left to assemble because the other guy will destroy it.” 

He had started in a low voice but he he kind of shouted the last part and took a deep breath after that. “I think I should go. This is not good for my blood pressure.” 

But before he could make it out of the door Natasha walked in. 

“Nat. You are back! How was your totally secret shopping trip with Pepper?” Clint shouted from the vents and dropped down to land next to Tony. 

“What the hell is going on here?” Natasha asked instead of acknowledging Clint. 

“They are trying to assemble the furniture we bought yesterday” Bruce told her and got himself another cup of tea. 

“Still? I thought that would be long done by now.” 

“Me too” Bruce sighed, “me too.” 

“It would be done if Cap would just let me handle it” Tony said. 

“Oh you mean it would have been blown up by now” Cap shot back and extended a hand towards Tony. “Hand me the screwdriver and let me do it.” 

They all started shouting at each other and so they missed the stormy expression on Natasha’s face. 

“Enough” she suddenly said, not even that loud but it got all their attention. “Thor put the hammer down. Mjolnir is entirely too worthy for this work. Get the little one. Clint. Get over here and search for the screws. Hell, what did you do to them? You are supposed to collect them at one place. God, you are all morons”, she sighed and put her hair in a ponytail before she continued. 

“Stark. You will hold the pieces like I tell you and Steve you will pick up that screwdriver right now. Bruce”, she said and turned around to look at him. Bruce had this pleading look on his face and Natasha smiled. “You stay exactly where you are. Someone hand me the instructions” she demanded and looked expectantly back at the others. 

They all stared at her wide eyed and she had to snap her fingers for them to actually start doing something. 

But when they did it went down in record time and no one fought and the Hulk didn't trash the place even though Bruce eventually came over to help and in the evening? 

They were all sitting in the living-room surrounded by furniture they had put together. And the best thing was that there wasn't one screw left. 

And Natasha didn't have to hit one of these idiots which she counted as the real win.


	11. Shoot Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Clint at the training range

“You're a moron” Clint said as he flopped down on the couch next to Bucky. 

“That's rich coming from you, birdbrain” Bucky shot back without interrupting his reading. When he noticed that Clint was still staring at him after several minutes he sighed and lowered the book. “What do you want?” 

“You are an excellent marksman” Clint said somewhat out of the blue. 

“I am a sniper” Bucky said. “An excellent sniper.” 

Clint smiled as he heard that. “I wanna see you shoot. Let's make it a battle. Who hits the most targets.” 

“How about we do not? I'm not shooting anymore. And besides you're some freaking mutant-alien hybrid when it comes to shooting. It’s unfair because you never miss and there is no chance for me to win.” 

Clint frowned. “That's not true” he eventually said and Bucky raised an eyebrow. Clint rolled his eyes. “The hybrid thing is not true. The rest I totally agree with. Let me destroy you on the range, Barnes. Come on” he practically whined and Bucky had to hide his smile. 

“You are bored” Bucky stated and Clint beamed at him. 

“Entertain me please?” 

Bucky hesitated. “I haven't touched a gun since the helicarrier went down.” 

“I know. All the more reason to get you back in the game.” 

“What game? There will be no more game for me. What are you talking about?” Bucky asked and was genuinely confused. 

“You're gonna be an Avenger as soon as Steve sucks it up and asks you. So you need practice. Let's get going!” 

“I am not gonna be an avenger. Why the hell would you want me on your team? I'm not stable.” The Winter Soldier incidents had become lesser and lesser but he was still a liability. 

“Well, Coulson thinks you are so ....” 

“This is a test” Bucky finished Clint’s sentence. “He wants to see how well I am doing.” 

“Kinda? But who cares? Stark made a new setting and I wanna try it out but it requires at least two. And I am still bored. So please?” 

Bucky rolled his eyes but his fingers twitched. He missed the feeling of a gun in his hands. The calm that came with sniping. Maybe he should try it. What could happen during a simulation. 

“Okay fine. One round. Just one.” “

Yes! Your weapons are already on the range so let’s get going.” 

Bucky narrowed his eyes, wondering if he really was that predictable but followed Clint nonetheless. The range was an enormous room with lots of obstacles build into it and Clint was standing at a console pad entering some data. 

“Okay this simulation is for two. Basically we each have to hit as many targets as we can without getting hit ourselves. If we hit one that is about to kill the other it will count double points.” 

“This is a game” Bucky stated and looked over his guns. There were to pistols, several clips and a sniper rifle. He took it up to test it and it felt good. 

“A very elaborated, very grown up game” Clint said in an attempt to seem composed but he was wobbling on his feet in anticipation. “Can we start?” He seemed excited like a nine-year-old. 

“Fine” Bucky said with one last eye roll before he calmed himself down to allow a small part of the Winter Soldier to take over. He had practiced this with Natalia and Bruce but he was curious how it would work in a battle-like situation. 

Clint took up his bow and a quiver and flashed him a smile before he hit the start button. 

The light dimmed immediately and more obstacles appeared. Obstacles and enemies. 

Clint shot the first one before Bucky could even move a muscle and grinned. “Keep up, winter boy” he said and then ran into the room. 

Bucky let the Winter Soldier take momentarily control over his body and he also ventured further into the room. 

He shot holograms right and left and when he emptied all the clips he had he threw his pistols away and looked for a good position. He found one on the far side of the room directly at the wall and above everything else. He jogged over to it and got into position. 

From up there he eliminated the enemy with a speed and precision that made Clint pause for a second and Bucky could hear him whisper “Damn”. 

He allowed himself a small smile before he concentrated again. He found it much more difficult to control the Soldier in this environment than in the gym with Bruce but he managed it. 

After a while he could tell that the simulation was coming to its end because the enemies increased in number. He shot one after another and when Clint turned around with a victorious smile on his face he only saw it because he was watching him through the rifles’ lens. 

The Soldier smiled and his finger hit the trigger and Clint’s eyes grew wide as an enemy fell down behind him. 

“You've got to be kidding me. Where did he come from?” 

Bucky pushed the Soldier back down, satisfied with his control over him, and stood up. “You are too distracted.” 

“Not true.” Clint retorted. “Jarvis what's the final count?” 

“Thanks to that last shot Mister Barnes won by one point.” 

Bucky started to laugh at that because Clint grew first white and then red and he threw a little temper tantrum, cursing Stark for making this simulation at all. 

“Distractions, Barton, distractions. If you wouldn’t have been so sure of your victory you would have seen him coming.” 

Clint turned around to him and pointed a finger at Bucky. “I want revenge.” 

“You bet on it. But be prepared to get your ass handed to you” Bucky said and started to collect new clips. 

“Oh you think you can do this twice? You are so mistaken!” 

“Stop talking and bring it on, bird boy” Bucky said and slid a new clip into his pistol. 

Clint gathered some arrows and then hit the start button again. 

Natasha found them hours later arguing about whose shot killed the last guy so that a winner could finally be determined and when she told them that they were being stupid she was met with two  
identical grinning faces that challenged her to beat either of them. 

She accepted with a grateful and only slightly terrifying smile and the boys already regretted their decision.


	12. 'Til The End Of The Line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Winter Soldier and Steve meet again under less than ideal circumstances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A friend asked me to do this after I told her about the prompt for Chapter 8. She wanted a different outcome though and her words were: I want Steve to accidentally kill Bucky and right before he dies he remembers.
> 
> So this is exactly that. Which means major character death ahead. Be warned.

The soldier knew that his superior strength had long gone away. 

He wasn't sure how it worked exactly but it had to be something Hydra injected him with because after the disaster with the helicarrier he hadn't gone back to Hydra and he had gradually lost his strength and healing power. 

It was still enough to heal his shoulder much quicker than it normally would have but if he sustained any serious damage? He wouldn't make it and he knew it. 

Despite that, when he saw Captain Rogers, his target, he started to make a plan because the mission had priority. He had at least to try. 

The target was coming from a huge tower and he had his shield with him but he was alone. The soldier would have preferred if the target was unarmed, because the shield was truly just a weapon, but he had to take this opportunity now. Maybe he wouldn't get another one. After all he didn’t know exactly how the loss of his strength would affect him further. 

He jumped down the roof noticing how different that felt now and silently made his way over to the target. He wished he had a gun on him, then this whole thing would have been much easier, but he lost all of them in the Potomac when he foolishly dived after the target. 

So now he just had his knife and it had to be enough. 

The target noticed him before the soldier reached him but he didn't draw the shield. He just stood there arms extended and hands open like an invitation for the soldier to kill him. 

The soldier picked up his pace and he could hear that the target was talking to him but he didn't listen. The last time he listened to that man it had nearly cost him his life and it compromised the mission. And he probably wouldn't get another chance. Not with how fast he was deteriorating. 

He unshed his knife and tackled the target with full speed, knife burying in his side, but he knew that it was not long enough to cause any real injuries. Especially if it was removed instantly since the serum would heal the target. 

The target seemed to notice now, with blood pouring form his side, that his words had no effect and weren't even heard because he got the shield from his back and a vicious fight began. 

The soldier noticed that the target still held back, probably in hope of his friend coming back, but the soldier gave everything he had. 

He got a few good hits in but he also received them. He received more than his serum-deprived body could handle and he knew it. But he didn't step down because he had to finish this. 

The target was still talking to him and he seemed to notice that something was off but he kept defending himself and as long as he wasn’t giving up the soldier was not interested in what the target had to say. 

But he got distracted by all the pain in his body so that the target could get a hold of him and soon he found himself pinned down. The soldier knew that there was no way out of this, not as weak as he was, and he could feel all the damage the target had dealt. He wouldn't walk away from this one. 

He struggled one last time but the target didn't budge, the soldier had lost his only weapon and so he gave up. 

He listened to the target talk to him and he knew that he should remember whatever he said but he didn't. 

And then the target used that one line again, ‘I'm with you till the end of the line’, and while the soldier had thought about that many times, hearing it from the target made the difference. 

He could already feel how the memories came back but he could also taste the blood in his mouth and he could feel his heart stuttering. He didn't have it in him to fight anymore and when he gave into the memories Bucky Barnes came back with full force. 

But also with a distinct lack of memory of being the Winter Soldier and so what Bucky Barnes saw was this: Steve rogers sitting on top of him, pinning him down and he knew that the injuries he felt were deadly. 

And the only thing Bucky got to say in this new world before he died was “Steve, why?”


	13. Why?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12 from Bucky's point of view

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So since this piece belongs to chapter 12 the major character death warning still applies. It's rather short but then again Bucky didn't have much time.

Bucky Barnes blinked and found himself on the ground. 

He thought for a split second that he had survived his fall, that the snow had slowed it down or softened his landing on the ground, but then he noticed that there was no snow, only concrete beneath him and that Steve was on top of him. 

He tried to say something but pain flared up all at once and his vision went briefly black and so he gasped in pain. He regained his vision to see Steve lower his fist and the implication of that made Bucky dizzy all over again. 

He tried to remember what happened but he only recalled Steve not being able to catch him and then falling and this right now didn't fit in the picture. 

Steve looked rumpled and by the position they were in Bucky guessed that he did that. He tried to move, to shove Steve off of him but he couldn't really move and there was pain everywhere. 

And now Bucky also noticed the blood in his mouth and his erratic heartbeat and he couldn't believe this. Steve would never hurt him like that. Never. 

But it appeared he had and instead of getting off of him Steve grabbed the front of Bucky’s shirt to shake him. 

“You are Bucky. Bucky Barnes. You are my friend.” He said it with urgency and Bucky wanted to laugh because this didn't look like they were friends, more like mortal enemies really, but when he tried he only coughed up blood. 

He stared horrified at Steve, finally understanding that Steve had killed him, that this would kill him and that prompted a panic that was not good for his heart. 

He tried to calm down tried to find another solution for this before he died, before his death was on Steve’s hands but this left no room for interpretation. 

The sickly little boy he had saved so often had killed him, apparently with his own hands. 

And so when Bucky felt the life draining from him he managed to ask the most important question, the question which answer would make everything better, the question which answer would make him believe that he wasn’t betrayed by his best friend. “Steve, why?”


	14. Employ Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky swings by the tower but he's different than expected

He knew that if Steve found out who he was the only chance he had was to give Steve hope. If Steve thought that his best friend was gone he would do what was necessary and he knew he didn't stand a chance if Steve went all out on him. Not if the fight dragged on for much longer. 

And so when the muzzle mask came off and Steve recognized him he decided in a split second that playing a little game would be the best. So he played dumb, pretending not to know what Steve was talking about and it proved to be right when Steve immediately stopped fighting him. 

When the soldier vanished he allowed himself a sly smile because he knew that he now had the upper hand. If he was sent against Steve again he could kill him without much resistance. 

His handlers weren't happy with him, though, and they tried to wipe him without knowing that that worked less and less every time they tried it. He endured it and was pleased when they send him off to fight Steve again but when they didn't give him his mask and his goggles he knew that they planned something. 

It had struck him as strange that they had used him so openly this time, after decades of wanting him to be a shadow, and the fact that they send him like this now strengthened his believe that Hydra planned to get rid of him. 

He knew enough about the plan to know that if it worked like Pierce wanted Hydra would establish a new world order and he wasn't needed in that. 

He knew if he wanted to survive this he had to find Steve again, as paradox as that sounded. 

So when he was on the helicarrier he made his way through enemies not caring if they were with Hydra or not and when he finally confronted Steve he saw that Steve would fight him to complete his mission. 

He also knew that after that Steve would give up and that was not what he needed. He needed Steve to give him new missions, to give him some purpose and when everything was done and Steve fell in the Potomac it was either die with Hydra or save Steve and the decision was easily made. 

He left Steve on the shore after he was sure he was still breathing and thought that playing hard to get was the right approach here. 

He waited several months before he showed up in the tower, hands up to show that he was unarmed. 

Stark was the first one to arrive, probably alerted by his AI but Steve was right behind him. 

“Bucky” he breathed and the soldier fought the urge to roll his eyes and he thought “Fuck this. No more playing games.” 

He turned to Stark, too annoyed by Steve’s glance to deal with him right now. 

“You're gonna employ me. Hydra endangered me with that last mission and they are mostly gone now and you will give me new assignments.” 

Stark stared at him, mouth slightly open and Steve was the first to say something. “Bucky you don't have to be like this anymore, you are free now. You don't have to do this.” 

His already thin patience snapped and he turned to Steve. “Fuck off, Rogers. I'm not your friend. I know what I am and I like it and you” he pointed at Stark, “will find use for me.” 

Steve’s mouth snapped shut and he looked so goddamn hurt and the soldier smiled cruelly. “Yeah. Get it now? I played you. I know you would never hurt me and I used that against you. You are the same wide-eyed, trusting idiot from before the war. It's sad really.” 

Steve’s face had gone white and he took a step back as if hit by the words. “You remember” he whispered.

The soldier laughed. “Of course I remember. That whole wiping thing was to keep me under control and not to erase who I am.” 

“But how can you...” Steve started and the soldier talked over him. “How can I not? They gave me an opportunity and since you had gone and became a hero who had no need for me anymore I thought to myself, well why not. This would make me strong and a hero in my own right and I loved it.” 

Steve’s eyes had gone wide. “Buck. You killed people.” 

“Yes I did. And let’s face it killing people is an art form. And so much more fun than saving them.”

Steve took another step back. “No. This is not you.” He turned to Tony. “He is brainwashed. We have to do something.” 

Tony stroked his chin contemplating everything. “I don't know, Steve” he eventually said. “He sounds sane. I mean as much as this can sound sane. I think that this is really your friend. And to be honest being your sidekick couldn't have been so much fun.” 

“But we did good things. We saved so many people.” 

“No, Steve. You saved people. I died falling from a train cause despite all of your super-soldier strength you couldn't catch me.” 

“I'm so sorry for that, Buck. I couldn't reach you. But you were one of the good guys” Steve pleaded. 

“I was a sniper, Steve. Snipers kill unseen without warning. That is not what a good person does. And it gave me such a rush every time I hit someone. And being an assassin? Even better.” 

“But...” 

“No ‘but’, Steve. And now shut up I don't think you can give me what I want here. Stark” he said and turned towards the man. “Employ me?” 

“Steve, would you leave us please? We have to talk about pay.” 

Steve looked horrified back and forth between Stark and the soldier but then he left with the most beaten face the soldier had ever seen. He rolled his eyes again. 

“He is like a big fucking puppy. Unbelievable.” 

Stark turned around to him. “You know I have only seen videos but I think I can guess what the muzzle mask was for.” 

The soldier gave him a wolfish smile. “So. Payment.” 

Stark nodded. “Food and shelter whenever you need. Clothes and electronics too.”

That didn’t sound too bad to the soldiers ears. 

“What's my job?”

Now it was Starks time to smile. “You want to kill, right?” 

The soldier nodded. 

“So you’ll go with Natasha to eliminate all Hydra agents that made it out.” 

The soldier laughed. “Revenge on my handlers? I am so on board with this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in this story Bucky is very obviously totally on board with him being an assassin and this really was just an opportunity to write some shit-talking Bucky who is not the broken and battered guy we know from the movie. I won't make excuses for this I had too much fun


	15. Move In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continuation of chapter 14, picks up one year after that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So one of the comments on chapter 14 predicted this chapter though it was written long before that^^

When Natasha and he came home they were exhausted. They had followed every single lead they could find and it took them nearly over a year but they had managed to kill every Hydra agent they could get a hint on. 

And though it had been an exhausting year it had also been a good year. 

James, he had decided to take the name James since neither the soldier nor Bucky seemed fitting, had learned a lot about himself and even though he had not 'found back to him' like Steve had phrased it he felt much more stable now. 

And he was kind of accepted into the tower. 

So when they walked into the kitchen and found Clint there he asked how they had been and he was actually curious if James was alright. 

“My arm broke” James answered and showed him the metal arm that was stuck in one position. “Do you know where Stark is? I need him to fix this. It kinda hurts.”

“He and Steve are down in the workshop” Clint answered. 

“Great thanks”, James said and turned to go there immediately. 

“Hey what about a report?” Clint called after him and James turned back around. “Natasha can give it to you. You know, since she was also there and all.” 

“I know” Clint said and rolled his eyes. “But she always leaves out all the interesting parts” he pouted and Natasha smacked him on the shoulder for that. James rolled his eyes at them and went down to the workshop. 

He stopped in the hallway when he heard Stark and Steve arguing. 

“Tony, he is not Bucky anymore!” he heard Steve say and when James noticed that this argument was about him he inched closer to the corner so that he could observe the situation. 

“I didn't know Bucky, Steve. I only know the person he is now. I don't compare him to someone that is long gone. And I like him.” 

Steve stared at him. “He is a murdered.” 

Tony held his gaze. “We are all murderers.” 

Steve seemed taken aback by this but he caught himself quickly. “He doesn’t regret that. And he killed innocent people” Steve hissed and Tony just shrugged though he stared Steve down.

“I don’t regret killing people. Most of them deserved it and I refuse to feel bad for them. And I know that I killed innocent people but I can’t let that pull me down. I can’t regret that. Do you know where that would leave me? And we all killed innocent people. Don’t you dare deny that. Natasha and Clint did and probably even Bruce. Thor most likely did too. I bet even you killed some innocents even if only because they were casualties in the big fight. None of us is free of that.” 

Steve didn't seem to know what to say to that and James decided that now was a good time to come out. He didn't even try to hide the fact that he had been listening and instead said “Aw, that's so sweet, Stark, I didn't know you cared. Thanks for defending me.” 

They both whipped around but Tony caught himself faster than Steve did. “Yeah you shut up. What is it that I see there? Damaged my arm again?” 

“I think you will find that it is my arm since it's attached to my body and all.” 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” 

James walked into the workshop and gave a sharp nod at Steve who couldn't hold his gaze. James shook his head, unable to comprehend how a person could cling like this to something, someone, that was never going to come back. 

“Captain” he greeted him and Steve barely acknowledged him. 

“Okay this is just ridiculous and awkward. Steve, see you later. Barnes, get your ass over here” Tony said and broke the tension with that. 

Steve stiffly walked out of the workshop and James turned to Tony. “Oh I bet you would like a piece of my ass. And by the way I have a name. It's James.” 

“You finally decided. Took you long enough. And you will be Barnes as long as I will be Stark and holy shit what did you do to my arm.” 

James had settled down and revealed his messed up arm while Tony had gathered some tools. “Again it's my arm. And it ... kinda broke.” 

Tony stared incredulous at it. “If you keep this up I'm gonna 'kinda break' you. What did you do?” 

“I tried to stop a tank?” 

Tony looked at him as if he wanted to smack him in the face. In the end he just shook his head. 

“Should’ve used your head instead. I bet that would have worked better.” 

“This face is way too pretty to damage” James shot back while Tony was already working on getting the arm at least open. 

“Did anyone ever tell you that you are way too full of yourself? You're not even that good looking.” 

“That’s what the muzzle mask was for, remember? And besides, we both now that that’s not true. I am entirely too pretty.” 

“Mhm sure” Tony mumbled, fully engrossed in the delicate circuitry that was hidden beneath the metal plates. 

“So what was your argument about?” James eventually asked, only half hiding his curiosity. He doubted that they just started to talk about him randomly. 

Tony quickly glanced up at him and smiled. “It was about you. Thought you would've worked that out. Maybe you did damage your head somehow.” 

“I’m gonna hit you” James threatened and Tony looked down at the metal arm. 

“While I'm wrist deep in this very delicate technological master piece that is your arm? I don't think so.” 

Tony stayed silent for a few seconds before he said “I suggested that you move in now that the Hydra thing is taken care off.” 

James blinked. “Move in. As in moving in into this tower?” 

“Do I have to get Bruce for a brain scan? Or someone for your ears?” 

“Super-soldier remember? Nothing can really hurt me.” 

There was a minute movement and James jumped when an electric surge rushed through his body. 

“Oh I’m sorry my screw slipped. Did that hurt?” Tony asked sweetly and went back to his work. 

“Asshole” James said but he grinned before he got serious again. “No but really. You want me to move in here? With the team? Permanently?” 

“What did you think where you were going after this?” 

“I don't know? Away? This employment was only for taking care of Hydra.” 

Tony pushed back a bit from the arm and looked at James. “Your employment has ended months ago. The thing that happened the months after that? That's called team bonding.” 

“I didn’t think I get to bond with the team.” 

Tony rolled his eyes. “And what do you think they were doing when Thor challenged you to a drinking game, when Clint took you down to the shooting range, when Bruce offered some relaxation techniques to calm you down?” 

James thought about that and it seemed true. Whenever he and Natasha came back for new intel and new supplies each member of the team had dragged him off to something. Not to talk about all the quality time he got to spend with Natasha. And of course he had a room here in the tower but he had assumed it was just because of safety reasons. He would have never assumed that the team would ‘bond’ with him. But it was true. Everyone had done something with him. Except Steve and Tony. 

“And where is your bonding?” James asked after a little while and Tony smirked at him. 

“What, you think I repair your arm for nothing? This is me bonding.” 

James raised an eyebrow. “Drooling over my arm, being an ass and yelling at me is bonding?” 

“Well I’m learning. If you're lucky I'll only grumble at you next time” Tony said and went back to work at the arm. “And just so you know? This amount of damage deserves more than yelling. I don't even know why I gave you this beautiful piece of tec. You don't even know how to appreciate it properly.” 

“I would appreciate it a lot more if it could stop a tank without snapping.” 

Tony looked thoughtful at him. “I think I'm gonna make you a tank proof helmet. Much less work and easier replaced.” 

That startled a laugh out of James and Tony smiled satisfied. It took James another few minutes before he said “Steve doesn't want me to move in.” 

“Nope” was all the response he got from Tony. 

“But you don’t care” James eventually went on and Tony sighed. 

“Look. Steve still sees his missing friend in you. And while none of us have that problem, because we didn't know you before, it's a bit harder for  
him. He'll come around. See you for the person you are now. Until then this is my tower and I get to decide who moves in.” 

“But he is right. I am a murderer.” 

“Geez if you don't want to move in just say so.” 

“No I would want to” James said and watched Tony’s reaction closely but he only smiled. 

“Good. Then get your stuff out of that room you live in and Jarvis will tell you which floor is yours.” 

“What about the arm?” James asked and looked down at it.

“All done and taken care of” Tony said as he closed the last plate. “And now get your rheumatic little ass out of here.” 

“And again with my ass. You've got a fixation, Stark” James shot back and stood up.

“Mhm. Do you keep telling yourself that you are just irresistible or is this confident thing innate?” Tony asked and put his tools back. 

“I guess you have all the time in the world to find out now.” 

“I guess so” Tony smiled as he ushered James out of his workshop. 

Living in the tower promised to be a lot more fun than being on missions with Natasha. James smiled widely as he asked Jarvis which floor he could lay claim to.


	16. Long Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The death of the team

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As the summary says this chapter is about the death of the Avengers over the time witnessed by Steve. If character death is not for you you should skip this chapter. For the others: enjoy.... or whatever

Clint had been the first to go. It was kind of ironic because the team had told him again and again that he had to stop throwing himself from buildings because one day there wouldn't be someone to catch him. 

Clint had just laughed at that and shrugged and told them that he would get back up even if that happened. 

But he didn't get back up. Not with that many shattered bones in his body.

~~~

Natasha had become reckless after that, taking risk after risk and she wouldn't listen to the team. 

It was after five days that the Avengers got a lead on Natasha’s captors and by then it was too late. What the team found out later was that she died under torture with less resistance than any of them would have ever thought. 

Maybe it was true what Fury had prophesised when he said that Clint’s death broke her.

~~~

Coulson quit after that. 

He had a hard time dealing with Clint’s death but after Natasha he resigned and vanished. The team knew that Fury kept an eye on him and so they didn't worry that much until one day during a debriefing Fury told them that they had to attend Coulson’s funeral next Tuesday. He didn't explain or say what happened but no one expected him to. 

They all showed up on Tuesday.

~~~

Thor....Thor’s death was kind of laughable. If it wouldn’t be sad. 

He didn't die during a fight or because of carelessness but because of politic intrigues. 

He had succeeded his father as the rightful heir and king of Asgard but it looked like not everyone was on board with this. He died of poison. 

Sif came to the earth to tell them and the team, well Steve, Tony and Bruce, since it was down to them, mourned him for a long time.

~~~

Tony died because one of the villains they fought on a general basis found out that the arc reactor was actually pretty easy to damage. 

All it needed was a hard shove so that it crushed Tony’s spine and cause a lot of internal damage. 

Tony bled to death before Steve could even reach him. 

There was a lot of publicity to this whole thing, much more than to the death of the other avengers, and Pepper handled it as best as she could. 

One day she came to Steve with a lot of paperwork and told him that Tony had left most of his stuff to him. She said his exact words were ‘He's gonna live forever. He needs a familiar place.’ 

Steve tried to drink himself stupid after that but of course it didn't work.

~~~

Bruce died of the only thing the hulk couldn't protect him from: old age. 

He aged at Steve’s side until his body failed him and his heart gave up. 

The hulk didn't show his face once.

~~~

Steve was standing at the cemetery looking down at the graves of his team mates. 

They had buried them all at one place, even made a stone for Thor, so that the team would still be together. 

It had been twenty years since Bruce died now, sixty since Clint’s death, and Steve hadn't visibly aged. He still looked like he was in his later twenties, though he felt so much older. 

He came to the graves regularly, told his team about the changes that happened, about the villains he fought, mostly alone these days, and sometimes he just stood there. 

Today was such a day. 

He had nothing to say to his dead team and he wondered how long he could keep doing this. 

He startled when a hand laid down on his shoulder and he turned around, already grabbing for his shield. When he saw who it was his fingers lost the grip on it. 

“Bucky” he whispered and felt a rush of emotions he couldn't name. 

Bucky looked a bit older, maybe like he was in his mid-thirties now instead of his late twenties, but it was unmistakable him. 

Steve had searched for him after Hydra and Shield went down but he had never managed to find him. 

“I'm sorry it took me so long” Bucky said and he even sounded like before. 

He squeezed Steve’s shoulder again and he closed his eyes to hold back the tears. Maybe with Bucky by his side it would be easier to endure all of this. 

He took Bucky’s hand in his own and turned back to the graves. They spend the rest of the afternoon looking at the graves of people that were long gone.


	17. Touch Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Bucky deal with an illness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the fault of my friend who told me, again, that the inspiration of Tony Stark had a certain illness. It was too good to pass it up. I have no actual knowledge about this illness and if I got something wrong here please tell me. But do consider that this is fiction.

It had started after his excursion to Afghanistan. When he noticed it didn’t go away Tony went to see a doctor and he told him that his condition was called allodynia. 

Touches that normally don’t hurt cause pain. Like the brush of his clothes. Being handed things. Picking something up. 

It was constant and always there and he kept it a secret. 

He had built his armour so that there was only minimal contact and he learned to control it. With the right meds it could be dulled down to a numb pain, something he grew accustomed to and could ignore in the heat of battle. 

But with Bucky... with Bucky everything was sharp and present and intense and pain and especially with the metal arm. 

They had this...thing for almost three months now and Tony had managed to avoid too much direct physical contact up to now by being a mad genius with fucked up sleeping patterns and a trillion things to do but there were only so many excuses he could give. 

And the real problem here was that Tony really wanted Bucky. He wanted him in every way possible and yet he still couldn’t bring himself to kiss him. 

Because it just hurt. It hurt him everywhere. 

His lips, his tongue, his chest when Bucky pressed up against him, his waist where Bucky’s hand cradled him closer and especially his head where Bucky’s metal hand rested against his side. 

It left Tony in agony and so he had kept Bucky at arm’s length as good as he could. 

Of course sometimes Bucky would sneak up to him, surprise him and Tony couldn't always stifle his pained gasp but so far Bucky hadn't commented on it. 

That was until this evening. 

Bucky had cornered him in his workshop, asking Jarvis to let no one else in, and then he had walked up to Tony and said “We have to talk.” 

And this right there was break-up talk, Tony knew that, he knew that and he still feared it but he nodded and fully turned towards Bucky. 

He refused to lean against the workbench because that meant more pain and he needed to concentrate and he would be in enough pain after this as it was so he straightened up and looked Bucky in the eye. 

“Already tired of me huh?” he asked in an attempt to get this over with as fast as possible without giving away just how much this would hurt him and Bucky frowned. 

“Not so much” he replied and Tony didn't dare to read anything into that. “But it seems like you grew tired of me rather quickly and I want to know why.” 

Tony blinked a few times not understanding because this was so far from the truth he didn't even know where to start and so all he could manage was an unintelligent “What?” 

“If you are tired of me you just have to tell me” Bucky said and suddenly couldn’t meet Tony’s eyes anymore. 

“Why would you think I'm tired of you?” Tony asked and Bucky let out a bitter laugh. 

“You are avoiding me. You keep your distance. And I get that the metal arm is kinda creepy but you don't have to act like you fear it, you know. I won’t hurt you.” 

Tony wanted to laugh at that because all this arm did was hurting him and so was Bucky even though he didn't know it. But he cursed himself for not covering this up better, for not making Bucky feel wanted and he should just tell Bucky now. This was his opportunity he knew that. But he had kept it a secret for so long now and so he kept his mouth shut about that. 

“I want you Bucky” he said instead. “I do. I really.... like you” he went on and he could see that Bucky had a hard time believing him. “I'm not tired of you and I doubt I ever will be and the metal arm is just cold. I don't hate it” Tony went on and prayed that Bucky would accept this. 

“You keep avoiding me” Bucky said again and now it held the tone of an accusation. 

“I'm a busy man Bucky. I keep redesigning your arm and my suits and there's armour to be made and weapons for Clint and Natasha and even though Pepper is CEO I still have a lot to do at the company and I’m not avoiding you.” 

It looked like he hadn’t handled all of this very well if Bucky already felt like this. 

“You're not tired of me” Bucky stated and it was not a question anymore. He held his hand out towards Tony. 

“No I'm not” Tony answered with a little smiled and took his hand, bracing himself for the pain that it caused. 

“Let's have dinner tonight?” Bucky asked, suddenly shy again and Tony couldn't possibly say no to that. 

It was only after Bucky left that he realized that this would mean kissing and probably making out and maybe even more and while he wanted all of that with Bucky he couldn’t have it. He could barely stand the kisses as it is, if there was any more contact involved he wouldn't be able to hide it anymore. 

But he wanted to give Bucky what he wanted, he wanted to make him happy and Tony wanted nothing more than to stay with Bucky. To have a real relationship and not this hurried stolen kisses in the workshop. 

So he marched over to his cabinet to get his drugs. He would give Bucky what he wanted today. 

 

When he arrived at Bucky’s floor he already felt a bit light headed and he told himself that it was because he was nervous and excited but a little part of his brain insisted that mixing his drugs and taking that amount was probably not a good idea. 

He pushed that thought aside because he just wanted to spend a night with Bucky and he barely even felt his shirt on his skin so the drugs were working. 

He found Bucky in the kitchen and walked right up to him pulling him in for a kiss. It only prickled a bit and Tony smiled. This would work after all. 

Bucky smiled right back bit then he frowned. “Are you alright? You're sweating.” 

“I'm fine” Tony said and had a hard time not slurring the words. “What'ya cooking?” he asked and looked behind Bucky on the stove. 

“Stew” he said and was suddenly shy all over again. “I know this is not much and that you are used to better meals bit this is the only thing I know how to make so...” he trailed off and Tony pulled him in for a kiss again, deeper this time. 

When they pulled apart he rested his forehead on Bucky’s and said “It's perfect.” 

He helped Bucky set the table even though he wobbled on his feet and when he turned to get the water bottle he lost his grip on it and it crashed to the ground. 

Bucky spun around to him worry all over his face and Tony waved him off. “Lost my grip” was all he said because he couldn't quite speak anymore and Bucky was suddenly right there at his side and how did he get there. 

“Tony what’s wrong?” Bucky asked and stabilized him with a hand on his elbow that Tony barely even felt. His world spun suddenly and he murmured “Must've taken too much” before everything went black. 

 

He woke up on the medical floor and when he looked around Bucky was right there by his bed. 

Tony made a little movement with his hand and that was all it needed to bring Bucky’s attention to him. 

“Tony” he breathed and there was pure relieve in his voice. 

“What happened?” Tony slurred and Bucky’s face closed off. 

“You overdosed” was all he said and Tony cringed before he looked away unable to hold Bucky’s gaze any longer. 

“Tony why would you take lidocaine and morphine?” 

“Because I'm an addict” Tony said and he rather have Bucky believe that than having to explain the real reason. But of course Bucky didn't buy it. 

“You're not a drug addict, Tony. What is going on? The doctors said those drugs can be used to treat various diseases. Are you sick?” Bucky moved to grab his hand and there was real concern in his voice but Tony couldn't stand another touch. 

The blanket and him lying on the bed was already worse enough and so he hastily moved his hand. Bucky looked down at it obviously hurt and then he moved away from the bed. 

“I think I'll leave now” he said and that was the last thing Tony wanted. 

“Allodynia” he blurted out and Bucky stopped dead in his tracks. 

“What?” he asked and turned back to Tony. 

“What I have is called allodynia” Tony explained after he took a deep breath. “It means that every touch, every contact with things hurts. It hurts to lie in this bed and to have this blanket on me and your touch hurts and especially the metal of your hand and I am so sorry I never wanted you to know that.” 

Bucky sat rather ungraciously back on his chair and by the look on his face Tony could tell that this was all over now. 

“Why did you take the drugs?” Bucky asked after long minutes of silence. 

“I wanted to give you what you wanted” Tony mumbled and avoided Bucky’s eyes. “I wanted to make you happy.” 

“It would have made me happy if you told me that something was wrong.” 

“I am so sorry” Tony repeated. “No one knows this and I didn't know how to tell you and I am so, so sorry. And I of course understand that you have to go now. I just...I didn't want it to end like this.” 

Bucky looked incredulous at him. “End? Nothing ended” Bucky said and leaned closer. “And I am not going anywhere.” 

Now it was Tony’s turn to stare at him. “Don't you understand? I can never give you what you want. This will not suddenly go away. It will always be like this where your touch will hurt me.” 

“So we don't touch anymore. That’s fine. I just have to show you otherwise how much I like you.” 

Tony felt happiness bubble up in his chest but he wasn't quite ready to believe it. 

“Bucky. There will never be an intimate relationship. No cuddling, no kisses, no sleeping together, not even holding hands.” 

“Yeah I know” Bucky simply replied. 

“But you like to touch. You are tactile. This is never gonna work” Tony said and he was aware that he somehow tried to sabotage himself here but he couldn’t help it. 

“Tony” Bucky said and his voice was serious. “I can live with that. Really I can. I like you too much to walk away from this so shut it. As long as you don't tell me that you want me to leave I'm not going anywhere.” 

Tony needed a few seconds to understand what Bucky was saying but then he smiled. “I like you right where you are.” 

“Good” Bucky replied and fiddled a bit with his hands, obviously not knowing where to put them since he couldn’t touch Tony. 

“My hair....I’m not so sensitive there” Tony eventually said and Bucky carefully rested his hand in his hair, trying to avoid touching his head and it was just enough so that Tony could feel it. 

“This is nice” Tony said and Bucky agreed with him. 

They sat like this for a while and Tony felt so tired that his eyes slid shut. 

“Sleep some more” Bucky whispered and Tony made an effort to open his eyes again. 

“A kiss on the head wouldn't be so bad” Tony sluggishly said and Bucky smiled softly. 

“Okay” he said and leaned forward to put a feather light kiss on Tony’s forehead. 

It didn’t even hurt that much and the last thought Tony had before he fell asleep again was that maybe this wouldn't be so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The same friend also requested this to be a chaptered story with more plot and words and I am considering doing that so if you like this you might want to keep an eye out for that


	18. Wake Me Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has some problems with nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And again, the major character death warning applies for this one. I am sorry that there are so many of them. Still hope you enjoy them.

Bucky was mostly himself these days. 

All of his memories came back and even though he feels far removed from them like they are just a movie he watched, he learned to relate himself to them. And so he is mostly Bucky. 

The nights though they belong to the Winter Soldier. 

It's when Bucky dreams that he comes out and relives his most successful moments and they make Bucky turn and toss in his sleep until he startles awake. 

The dreams that make him scream though they are always about Steve. It bugs the soldier that he couldn't complete his mission and when the soldier dreams it's always about killing Steve. 

Sometimes Bucky wakes up screaming and he needs Jarvis and bright light to remember that he is in the tower that he is safe and that Steve is far away in his own bed and that he can't hear Bucky scream his lungs out because of all the sound-proofing that Tony did and that there is no way he would ever do that to Steve. It helps to ground him. 

Until Steve doesn't sleep in his own bed anymore. 

Bucky knows, he remembers, that there had been glances and brushed hands and that squeezing feeling whenever Steve fell sick again and Bucky knows that he flirted with even more girls after he had to crawl in with Steve to keep him warm but he still thought that it was one sided. 

Especially now after everything that happened, after everything he did. But apparently it wasn't because one day when Steve was making breakfast for them, because he still needed to be supervised with things that consisted of taking care of himself, Steve put down a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon in front of him and when Bucky looked up to thank him for that, since it was the polite thing to do, he was met with Steve’s lips on his own. 

They quickly found out that it wasn’t one sided for either of them and also that Bucky wasn't really ready for this. He asked Steve to sleep with him though because his presence always calmed his scrambled mind. And Bucky hoped that it would work in the nights too. 

And so the next time he woke up screaming again because the soldier had just rolled over and crushed Steve’s throat he woke up with Steve’s hands on his arms and his reassuring words in his ears. And while it was still horrifying to wake up like this Steve’s presence brought him back faster than Jarvis ever could. 

Steve never asked what the dreams were about and Bucky wasn't sure if it was because he wanted to give Bucky time and the choice to talk when he was ready or if he was afraid of what Bucky would tell him. Either way he never asked and instead just held him.

The soldier dreamt less and less about missions he had completed and more about reaching his last goal and after the fifth consecutive night of screaming Steve finally asked if it had always been this bad. 

Bucky wasn't sure what to say, if admitting that Steve’s close presence prompted more of these dreams would cause Steve to leave and so he nodded and Steve held him even closer. 

The dreams got more and more vivid every night and the soldier rejoiced in that. 

Bucky refused to sleep for a while and instead watched the steady rise and fall of Steve’s chest to remind him that Steve was alive, that he was fine and that the soldier would not win, not this time. 

Something must have stirred Steve because when Bucky looked at him the next time blue eyes met his and Steve pulled him down and tucked his head under his chin and told him to sleep, that it was okay, that he was here. 

Bucky closed his eyes and the soldier grabbed the knife that he hid under the pillow to stab it into Steve’s side and pierce his lungs. The soldier smiled when Steve looked incredulous at him and he pulled the knife out to cut his throat. 

Bucky woke up screaming, metal hand closed around Steve’s throat, who was still trying to talk to him. He let go with a sob when he realized what he'd done and there was no sleep for the rest of the night. 

Steve wouldn't go back to his own bedroom though and so they crawled in together the next night again. Bucky finally admitted that he was afraid of sleeping, that he wasn't sure what he would do in his sleep and Steve reassured him that he could defend himself against Bucky if it ever really would be necessary. 

Bucky settled in for the night somewhat relieved that Steve hadn't needed to defend himself for real until now and the soldier scowled at that. He hit Steve in the head hard and with the metal arm and took his time relishing in the fear that was in Steve’s eyes. 

Bucky woke up and he couldn't differentiate between the dream and reality and Steve had to roll over and pin him to the bed to make him understand that this was real, that he was awake and the dream was over now. 

Bucky couldn't look at Steve and the black eye he had for a few hours the whole day. 

Bucky knew that the team advised Steve to move out of Bucky’s room, that there was jo need for him to put himself in the line of danger every night, but Steve refused and came back to Bucky’s bed every night. 

The soldier saw this development with joy, always finding new ways to kill his target and when Steve turned towards him to ask if he was alright, why he wasn't sleeping he pulled the knife from the  
sleeve where he had hidden it and stabbed Steve in the neck. 

Bucky woke up screaming like always and he couldn't hear Steve, he couldn't there was too much noise and he needed to get away, he would hurt him. He scrambled out of bed and Steve wouldn't let him go he was right behind him and pulled him into a hug and Bucky grabbed the front of his shirt in desperate need to hold on to something. 

Steve was eventually able to calm him down but Bucky refused to go to bed for the next couple of nights. 

When he eventually did it was because he was too tired to argue with Steve anymore and when he laid down he felt Steve snuggle up behind him one arm over his waist to pull him even closer. 

Bucky relaxed into Steve’s body and when Steve pressed a kiss into Bucky’s neck he felt him smile. 

The soldier laid silently for more than half an hour before he pulled away and looked disgusted down at his target. Steve seemed to realize he was missing because he woke and sat up and the soldier put his gun to Steve’s head and he had time to relish the fear in Steve’s eyes before he pulled the trigger. 

Blood splattered the wall behind Steve and the gunshot woke Bucky up, screaming at the top of his lungs. 

He only stopped when Tony shot him up with a sedative to pull him away from Steve’s body and his whole world went black. 

He never really came back from this.


	19. Keep Me Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony has a secret and he hates Bucky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This implies the death of a character in the future so if that triggers you in some ways you should skip over this. For all the others: have fun.

Bucky walked in on them when Steve started to yell at Tony.

It was something about being irresponsible and putting the team in danger but it was hard to make out between the disappointed face and the flailing of his hands. Tony didn't seem to understand him either so Bucky asked “What's going on here?” 

Steve whirled around to Bucky and paused in his lecture. “He” Steve said and pointed at Tony, “flew head first into a building while he carried Clint because he fainted. In the suit!” Steve looked expectantly at him, panting hard, but before Bucky could say a thing Bruce interrupted. 

“He says it's because he didn't eat or sleep the past few days.” 

“Eh yeah, 'he' is right here and can hear you, you know.” 

Steve's head snapped back to Tony but before he could start to yell again Bucky asked “Where is Clint?” 

“Medical” Bruce told him. “Some minor bruises and scrapes. Nothing  
serious.” 

“But it could have been serious. You could have killed him Tony. He does not have armour like you! What were you thinking? Why did you let this happen?” 

Now Bucky stepped forward. “Maybe because, you know, he's…” 

“Shut the fuck up Barnes” Tony shouted and looked furiously at Bucky. 

Steve and Bruce were trying to catch up to what happened here but before they could do anything Tony walked right up to Bucky’s face. “You keep your mouth shut. This is none of your business.” 

His voice was icy and without waiting for a reaction he walked out of the room. Steve and Bruce looked dumbfounded after him and Bucky cursed himself. “I'm gonna talk to him. It will be alright. You just...stay here.” 

“Bucky...you think this is a good idea? You're not Tony’s...favourite person. He kinda seems to, well, not like you.” 

Bucky laughed at the understatement of that. “Yeah I know” he said and pushed his hair back. “But I think he doesn’t want to see any of you. So…just wait.”

 

Steve nodded and Bucky went to look for Tony. He found him in his workshop standing at a table, screwdriver in his hand but not doing anything. When he heard the door open he didn't even turn around. 

“I knew you knew it.” 

Before Bucky acknowledged that Tony had said something he walked closer until he stood right next to tony. “Is that why you hate me? Cause I know?” 

Tony let out a bitter laugh. “If only it would be that easy.” 

“What exactly is happening?” Bucky asked and watched Tony closely who looked down at his hands. 

“I'm dying” Tony said. “I'm dying. What else is there supposed to happen?” 

“I know that. But what is causing it?” 

Tony smiled but it was bitter and there was a hint of self-hatred in there. “Metal poisoning.” 

Bucky frowned. “I thought you got rid of that with the new element you invented.”   
Tony raised an eyebrow at him and Bucky shrugged. “Fury gave me all your files. I did my homework.” Tony nodded as if that wasn't really surprising him. 

“So?” Bucky asked when it seemed that Tony wasn't planning on answering his question any time soon. 

“So my trip to space during the Chitauri invasion didn’t do me any good.” 

“It's been years since then. 

“The new element is more resilient so it goes slower. But it's still going and I will be dead in about two years. Probably earlier.” 

“When will you tell the team?” 

“I won’t” Tony said and turned towards Bucky. “I won't and you won't either. I don't need them to worry. To look at me like you are looking at me now. I can do this. Everyone can die.” 

Bucky decided to ignore that particular statement and instead said: “You endangered Clint today.” 

“I know” Tony said and scrubbed his face. “I will be more careful. Have Jarvis monitor me better.” 

Bucky shook his head. “You have to tell them. They have a right to know that one of their teammates, one of their friends, is dying.” 

Now Tony was outright glaring at him. “You will not tell them. You will keep your mouth shut and let it be. This is my business.” 

“If it's your business why don’t you have a solution already? You are a genius right?” 

“There is nothing I can do. Inventing one element was a fluke. It won't happen again. There’s now way to do it again.” 

“Replace it then. If space did this you just have to use one that wasn’t in space.”

“As if it would be that easy. Don’t you think I thought about that? I replaced it. It’s not working. It’s already in my blood and the new reactor behaves the same way and I can’t figure out why.”

“Then take it out. You don't need it for your suits anymore.” 

“I have been at five different doctors over the last year” Tony said and heavily sat down on a chair. “Do you know what they tell me? That it's too big to take out. The hole would be too big. And if I would survive that? There will be extensive scarring. So much in fact that walking around would be difficult because I wouldn't get enough air. My chest wouldn't expand enough. So that leaves me with what? Spending the rest of my life down here, far away from anything that could cause me too much stress? I don't think so.” 

“So you just decide to give up and don't tell anyone.” 

“Essentially. How did you know?” Tony asked suddenly. 

“I've been watching. It's really not that subtle once you realize that something is off. And the team has realized that, Tony, it's only a matter of time before they find out.” 

“Mh” was all Tony said to that. 

“So is that why you hate me?” Bucky decided to call it what it was and not sugar coat it like Steve had. “Cause I figured it out?” 

Tony let out a heavy sigh and avoided his eyes. “No it's not.” 

“Then what? Is it because I ruined something with Steve? Cause I see how you look at him sometimes.” 

“It's... Steve?” Tony asked incredulous and looked at him. “You say you noticed I was dying by watching me but you read that wrong? Unbelievable” he muttered the last word. 

“So what is it then?” Bucky asked again. “Because you seemed to like me fine in the beginning.” 

Tony was quiet for a long time after that but before Bucky could say anything else Tony leaned in and kissed him. 

It was short and way too sweet and over before Bucky really realized what happened and when Tony pulled back he was looking directly at him. “That's why I hate you.” 

Bucky couldn't really make sense of that and before his brain could really catch up he said: “You are normally not into men and thanks to me you're having a sexual crisis?” Because this wasn’t making a lot of sense right now. 

Tony let out a small laugh at this. “Nice try, but no. Can we not do this now?” he asked and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Eh excuse me, you kissed me and told me you hate me. I think we should talk about this. Is it cause you think Steve and I have a thing?” 

Tony rolled his eyes at that instead of answering. 

“Is it cause you think I'm not into men?” 

“Well, you are from the 40ies” Tony muttered and now it was Bucky’s time to roll his eyes. 

“Let me tell you, I am very much into men and if you kiss me again I will show you just how much I'm into you by kissing you into tomorrow.” 

Tony cringed at that and that only made Bucky even more confused. “What in that sentence was not okay?” 

Tony shook his head before he lowly said: “I knew you would reciprocate it, I just knew it. Damn.” 

“Okay, usually when feelings are being reciprocated you don't say damn the way you just did. What is going on?” 

“Nothing. I want you to leave now.” 

“Oh yeah not happening. I just said that I like you too” 

“Bucky don't” 

“and you still say you hate me. And I wanna know why.” Bucky looked at Tony but he was meeting his glare without hesitation. 

“I want you to leave.” 

“Why do you hate me?” 

“Leave me alone.” 

“Why do you hate me?” 

“I said LEAVE!” Tony yelled and Bucky yelled right back. 

“Why do you hate me?” 

“Because you make me want to live!” Tony shouted at him and couldn't hold his gaze anymore. 

“What?” was all Bucky could ask because he didn't really understand what that was supposed to mean. 

“I've been dying for three years now” Tony said and ruffled his hair. “And I've been okay with this. I made preparations and I did all I could. My affairs are in order. But then you saunter in and suddenly dying seems like a bad idea. So I went to see doctors and I tried to develop a new arch reactor but it's not working, none of it, and I knew it wouldn't and yet I tried nonetheless and it's your fault for making me want to live!” 

Bucky was stunned into silence by Tony’s outburst but when Tony turned away he grabbed his hand. 

“You are not going to leave right now.” 

“Let me go. This is not going to go anywhere.” 

“Come back here” Bucky said and tugged at the arm so that Tony tumbled towards him. Bucky caught him and steadied him before he sat Tony down on the chair again. 

“You don't get to leave right now.” 

Tony closed his eyes as if he was in pain and Bucky squeezed his wrist. 

“You don’t get to quit. Not this and not your life.” 

“Bucky there's no solution to this. No way to make it go away.” 

“Maybe not right now. But you still have two more years and you will not quit. You will continue to look for a cure and you will tell Bruce so that he can help you and it gets bad you will quit the team but what you will not quit under any circumstances is living.” 

Tony was looking wide eyed at him and then he was leaning in. Or maybe Bucky was leaning in. 

This time the kiss was much more heated and when they pulled apart Bucky took Tony’s face into his hands and rested his forehead on Tony’s. 

“And you do not get to quit this. We will find something. And until we do we will make the best of your time.” 

He put some distance between them again but didn't let go. “Do you understand me?” 

Tony blinked a few times before he finally nodded. “Yeah, okay.” 

“Good” Bucky said and kissed him again. 

He knew that this would be difficult but he was sure that between Tony and Bruce, and maybe even Reed and Doctor Strange if he could convince Tony to talk to them, there would be a solution for this. 

There had to be. He was not about to lose another thing.


	20. Long Gone 2.0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The death of the team - different ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is essentially chapter 16 all over again except for the ending. That is much worse. And so the major character death warning applies even more now. A friend of mine told me she expected this end and now I did it. Sorry, I had to.

Clint had been the first to go. It was kind of ironic because the team had told him again and again that he had to stop throwing himself from buildings because one day there wouldn't be someone to catch him. 

Clint had just laughed at that and shrugged and told them that he would get back up even if that happened. 

But he didn't get back up. Not with that many shattered bones in his body.

~~~

Natasha had become reckless after that, taking risk after risk and she wouldn't listen to the team. 

It was after five days that the Avengers got a lead on Natasha’s captors and by then it was too late. What the team found out later was that she died under torture with less resistance than any of them would have ever thought. 

Maybe it was true what Fury had prophesised when he said that Clint’s death broke her.

~~~

Coulson quit after that. 

He had a hard time dealing with Clint’s death but after Natasha he resigned and vanished. The team knew that Fury kept an eye on him and so they didn't worry that much until one day during a debriefing Fury told them that they had to attend Coulson’s funeral next Tuesday. He didn't explain or say what happened but no one expected him to. 

They all showed up on Tuesday.

~~~

Thor....Thor’s death was kind of laughable. If it wouldn’t be sad. 

He didn't die during a fight or because of carelessness but because of politic intrigues. 

He had succeeded his father as the rightful heir and king of Asgard but it looked like not everyone was on board with this. He died of poison. 

Sif came to the earth to tell them and the team, well Steve, Tony and Bruce, since it was down to them, mourned him for a long time.

~~~

Tony died because one of the villains they fought on a general basis found out that the arc reactor was actually pretty easy to damage. 

All it needed was a hard shove so that it crushed Tony’s spine and cause a lot of internal damage. 

Tony bled to death before Steve could even reach him. 

There was a lot of publicity to this whole thing, much more than to the death of the other avengers, and Pepper handled it as best as she could. 

One day she came to Steve with a lot of paperwork and told him that Tony had left most of his stuff to him. She said his exact words were ‘He's gonna live forever. He needs a familiar place.’ 

Steve tried to drink himself stupid after that but of course it didn't work.

~~~

Bruce died of the only thing the hulk couldn't protect him from: old age. 

He aged at Steve’s side until his body failed him and his heart gave up. 

The hulk didn't show his face once.

~~~

Steve was standing at the cemetery looking down at the graves of his team mates. 

They had buried them all at one place, even made a stone for Thor, so that the team would still be together. 

It had been twenty years since Bruce died now, sixty since Clint’s death, and Steve hadn't visibly aged. He still looked like he was in his later twenties, though he felt so much older. 

He came to the graves regularly, told his team about the changes that happened, about the villains he fought, mostly alone these days, and sometimes he just stood there. 

Today was such a day. 

He had nothing to say to his dead team and he wondered how long he could keep doing this. 

He startled when a hand laid down on his shoulder and he turned around, already grabbing for his shield. When he saw who it was his fingers lost the grip on it. 

“Bucky” he whispered and felt a rush of emotions he couldn't name. 

Bucky looked a bit older, maybe like he was in his mid-thirties now instead of his late twenties, but it was unmistakable him. 

Steve had searched for him after Hydra and Shield went down but he had never managed to find him. 

“I'm sorry it took me so long” Bucky said and he even sounded like before. 

He squeezed Steve’s shoulder again and he closed his eyes to hold back the tears. Maybe with Bucky by his side it would be easier to endure all of this. 

He moved to cover his hand with his own but Bucky took his hand and held it away from him. “My handlers are not happy with me” he said and gave Steve a tight smile. 

“Because you are not their asset anymore?” Steve asked and was confused by the manic glint in Bucky’s eyes.

“No. Because it took me so long to complete my mission” he said and unsheathed a knife. Before Steve could react to that Bucky, the soldier, had already buried it in his side and Steve felt how it tore through flesh and his lungs and grazed his heart and he knew that his body wouldn’t be able to heal itself fast enough to save him. 

He slumped forward, his legs unable to stabilize him and Bucky caught him, held him upright. Steve felt dizzy, his whole world going black, and before he died he mumbled “Thank you” into Bucky’s neck and when the soldier put his target to the ground the man was wearing a small smile on his lips.

The soldier frowned at that and turned away, to leave his most difficult target between the graves of his friends.


	21. Kiss It Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two times kisses made Bucky's and Tony's injuries better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just have very strong feelings about little Tony meeting the Winter Soldier.

Tony was five and fast asleep when something heavy fell down in his room. 

He blinked until he could see and when there was a shadow in the room he did not panic but turned on the light because shadows disappear then and waking his mom and dad for this was a thing he learned not to do. 

But when the light filled the room and the shadow became a man he considered starting crying for a moment. Until he saw the bloody bandage around the man’s chest. 

He knew that this man just broke into the house and that his father would be very angry with Tony for not telling him that but the man was hurt and Tony was clever enough to believe he could figure this out on his own. 

So he pushed his blanket aside and the movement seemed to make the man realize that there was another person in the room. 

Before Tony could get out of bed there was a gun pointed at his head and while he had seen many guns in his very short life he lived in the believe that none of them would hurt him and so he didn't hesitate to continue with his plan of getting out of the bed and closer to the man. 

The gun followed his every step but like Tony believed it didn't hurt him at all and when he was standing directly in front of the man he lowered it. 

The light of his bedside lamp caught on something shiny and only now did Tony realize that the arm that was holding the gun was made out of metal and if that wasn't the coolest thing Tony had ever seen he would be lying. 

“It looks so soft. Can I touch it?” he asked and the man startled and let out a pained groan. “You're hurt” Tony said and pointed at the bloody bandage. 

The man looked at him with cold blue eyes and he didn't say a word which had to be because of the mask he was wearing. 

Tony gestured to the floor. “You need to sit down so I can make it better” he said with all the confident of a child and the man just let himself fall down heavily. 

He panted a bit and kept his right arm close to his chest and Tony petted his shoulder not aware of the fact that the gun was pointing at him again. 

Now that the man was sitting he was just at the right height for Tony to lean in and give him a kiss on the forehead. When he pulled back the man was staring at him and Tony shrugged. 

“It's supposed to be better now. Mom always does this to the kids at the orphanage if they are hurt. I don't know if it helps but they always look happy afterwards.” 

The man didn't say anything but he relaxed slightly and Tony sat down next to him, on his left side so that he could investigate the arm. 

His dad let him play with some metal and tools from time to time but Tony had never seen something so shiny and beautiful like this arm. 

He started to tell the man about it and then he rambled on about all the other exciting stuff that was happening in a five year old child’s life and when he wakes up in his bed in the next morning he believes it was just a dream.

~~~

Tony declined a trip to the medical bay. 

He claimed that he is not hurt and that he has to go down to his workshop anyway to wriggle his way out of his dented armour and so the team leaves him be. 

But when Tony does get out of the armour he also takes out the plate that was lodged inside his side and it starts to bleed profoundly. He curses and pushes every cloth on it without thinking too hard about the stuff he wiped away with that. 

It still doesn't stop bleeding and he has to get the medical kit out and stitch himself back together but if he relieves the pressure he is sure he won't make it to the stitches. 

He contemplates calling Bruce or even Steve but before he can decide by whom he is going to be yelled at Bucky walks in. 

He assesses the situation with one glance and then asks “Where is the medical kit?” because he knows that Tony keeps one in every room. 

“Cupboard to the left” Tony said and his voice is pressed and god this hurts. 

Bucky quickly walks over to get the kit and then rushes back. “Let me see” he says and Tony briefly pulls the cloths away so that Bucky can get a good look. 

“Christ, Tony. You should have just gone to medical.” 

“I hate it there.” 

“I know” Bucky sighs and prepares everything he needs. “We all do. But you could have internal bleedings.” 

“Jarvis would have told me. He scanned me already, isn’t that right buddy?” 

“Yes, sir. And there is no internal damage but the wound is pretty deep and I think seeing a real doctor is the proper course of action here. No offense Sergeant Barnes.” 

“None taken” Bucky says when he turns to Tony again. “He is right you know. A real doctor could do this better than me.” 

“Just get it done” Tony says, trying to hide his pain. 

Bucky shakes his head. “Okay fine” he says nonetheless. “You need to sit down so I can make it better” he continues and Tony obeys without arguing. 

Bucky is good at this and so the stitches and bandages are done in no time. He fixes the last bandage and then he leans in to kiss Tony on the forehead. 

“There, all better” he says and turns around to close the kit. 

Without him being aware of it Tony’s hand moves to the place Bucky just kissed and the stares at Bucky before he manages to ask “What was that for?” 

Bucky turns back to him and there was a little smile on his face. “You told me this would make it all better. But you don't remember that, right? I've been wondering since I came here. You don't remember the night we met.” 

Tony stared at him and he vaguely remembered a dream he had when he was little and now that he was thinking about it that arm did look familiar to him. 

“You really were there. I thought it was a dream. You were gone in the morning and I was in my bed. And that arm seemed way to cool to be true.” 

Bucky laughed at that and shook his head. “No that happened. I got hurt on a mission and I needed a place to stay save for a few hours before my handlers picked me up and I walked into your bedroom.” 

“And I kissed you on the forehead” Tony groaned. “I kissed the worlds most feared assassin on the forehead to make his wound better.” 

Bucky was still chuckling and Tony covered his face. “Oh god. Don't ever tell that to anyone.” 

“I think it was cute. Well” Bucky said considering, “not then of course because you were just a tiny person who was not part of the plan and I had no idea what to do with you, but in retrospect it was adorable.” 

“Stop talking” Tony groaned again and shook his head. “This is not happening. It was just a dream. Let's leave it at that.” 

Bucky walked closer to him and pulled his hands from his face. “Let's not pretend that that was a dream. It was a little sign of affection and it was so caring from a little child and they erased a lot of my memory but somehow that always stayed with me. It kept me sane sometimes. Made me believe that being a horrible killer wasn't all I could be.” 

Tony stared at Bucky and he could not believe that the careless gesture of a child could mean so much to Bucky but apparently it did. He smiled and got up and then he cupped Bucky’s face in his hands to tilt his head down. 

He gave him a kiss to the forehead and he said “I told you it would all be better with this.” 

He could feel Bucky smile and he pulled him into a hug and Bucky went willingly. 

He carefully wrapped his arms around Tony, mindful of his injury and buried his face in Tony’s neck. 

“Yes you did” he said and that was all they said for a long time.


	22. Speak Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has to speak up before it's too late

Bucky knew he should tell Tony already. 

And he did think about it, he really, really did, but it never seemed right somehow. 

But when there are more missions for the Avengers, more bad guys who try to kill them, he decides he will tell Tony when he comes back home safe. 

And so when the alarm rings the next time and the Avengers hurry off to fight for their lifes and the planet and Bucky is left behind to worry and fret that not all of them will make it he decides that if Tony makes it back alive he will tell him. 

And the team gets back hours later, tired and bruised but alive, and when Tony meets him in the kitchen Bucky smiles at him and tells him to rest. 

He tells himself he will do it the next time. 

But missions come and go and Bucky knows that it has been a long time and he feels ashamed for not being able to tell Tony but he never does it. 

He worries about him, he banters with him, he lets him fix his arm and he even flirts with him but he never lives up to the promise he made to himself. 

Instead he stays quiet and hopes that it will eventually go away. 

He doesn't even know why he's so afraid of telling Tony because all he can do is reject him but he is. He feels sick when the Avengers leave for a fight and he feels sick when he thinks about telling Tony and so it's just easier to not think about it. To stay the way there are. Surely this is better for all of them. 

Except it's not. 

Bucky sleeps less because he beats himself up about being this weak and a coward and during the days he is afraid for Tony’s life and it wears him out. 

But still he won't man up and get it out already and that leads only to more sleepless nights. 

Until Tony goes to his favourite coffee shop around the corner and is being shot. 

The Avengers are immediately alerted but when they arrive Tony was already rushed to a hospital. The assassin barely missed his heart but damaged the arc reactor instead and the doctors don't know if he will pull through. 

Part of it is because Tony had sustained serious injuries and massive blood loss but also because they don't know enough about the reactor to properly repair it. 

Steve brings in Reed and Bruce is of course there but they can't seem to fix it and there are no blueprints for this thing and so they can’t do anything. 

The team starts to live in the hospital and the doctors have long given up on trying to throw them out and on telling them that there are visitor hours they have to keep. And so the team stays and they fret and Bucky feels cold throughout the whole thing. 

He knows that Tony can and probably will die and that he missed his chance entirely because he was too afraid. And he realizes now that he was too afraid that something like this would happen, that he could lose Tony, but losing him without ever telling him how he felt was actually worse. 

After the fifth day he can't take it anymore and he left to go back home which was a stupid idea because it's Tony’s place with Tony’s presence and he is not there. 

So he goes down to the workshop to look after Dummy and Butterfingers and You to tell them that their creator still hangs on when Jarvis speaks to him. 

Turns out Tony has installed a safety protocol that allows Jarvis to give away the arc reactor plans after five days of being unconscious. Which is stupid really because he could be dead by then. 

What is even more stupid is that Bucky is the only one who can access the plans. Tony put in protocols and passwords that only allowed Bucky to get the plans and it doesn't make sense cause he doesn’t know what to do with them so he gets  
Jarvis to send them to Bruce and then he rushes back to the hospital where Bruce is already working on repairing the damage. 

It goes well and the arc reactor resumes its glowing and over the course of the next few days Tony’s vitals get better, more stable. 

On the twelfth day he wakes up shortly and the doctors tell them that he is out of the woods and that they are optimistic and Bucky never leaves his side after that again. 

The team takes turns now, so that some of them can actually sleep but Bucky doesn't leave Tony’s side. He knows that if Tony ever wakes up he is going to tell him. No more excuses, no more waiting. 

This showed him that he has to say it already. 

Tony really wakes up fourteen days after the shooting and Bucky is right there by his side and Tony weakly squeezes his hand. 

"You are an idiot" Bucky manages through the lump in his throat and the tears in his eyes. 

"You are too" Tony rasps and Bucky hands him a glass of water. 

"You gave me access to your plans." What he meant to say was 'you gave me access to your heart' because the arc reactor was Tony’s heart but he was too much of a coward to say that. 

"You took care of it" Tony managed after a few careful sips of water and Bucky didn't know if they were talking about the same thing anymore. 

Instead of asking he got up and turned to leave but Tony tried to hold him back and even if he was too weak to manage that Bucky turned back around to him. 

"I'm going to get the doctor." 

"Don't leave" Tony whispered and Bucky sighed. 

"Alright. I'm going to stay for a bit longer."

Tony gave an appreciating nod and closed his eyes again. "Love you" he mumbled and though Bucky was sure that it was pain meds induced he couldn't help but smile and feel a slight flutter of his heart. 

"I love you too, Tony" he said and Tony made a pleased sound before he went back to sleep. 

Bucky didn't know if that was something that Tony would remember the next time he woke up but now that he had already said it once he was sure it would be easier to repeat. 

And he would surely do so if Tony forgot this one.


	23. Fear Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There were six mistakes a villain could make regarding Tony Stark

There were six mistakes a villain could make when they decided to abduct a member of the Avengers and they all began with number one: capture Tony Stark. 

The villains always thought about who to kidnap, they bragged about it afterwards, how they made the right choice and all and it always goes like this. 

Steve is the leader of the team and the public face and a super-serum enhanced soldier which makes him dangerous and strong even without the shield. So he's obviously not the one to take. 

Bruce would be the perfect choice if it weren’t for the Hulk. Villains are afraid of him and they fear, rightfully so, that they can't control him and so they stay awake from Bruce. 

Natasha had a reputation of a very successful assassin with a perfect track record and truthfully people are afraid of her and her skills, especially her mind games. 

Thor is not on earth enough to be a good choice and besides, he doesn't understand earths’ way they say. 

Clint, well Clint is usually considered the perfect victim but in the end the villains always think he is too dumb to get them what they want. Which really just proofs that Clint has the best tactic of them all. 

So that leads them to Tony. First they think about Iron Man and how difficult it would be to capture him but after a bit of thinking they see the man underneath the suit and they rub their hands because Tony Stark without his armour? What could he possibly do. 

And that is mistake number one. 

Because Tony Stark as Iron Man is a sight to behold. Tony Stark without his suit gets creative and dangerous. And Tony Stark without his suit and one of his team members endangered is outright terrifying. 

But is also mistake number two. 

Villains rightfully think that Tony would never give them what they want and so they always go for another team member that they can torture to convince Tony to do what they demand. 

Usually they go for Clint or Natasha, and sometimes if the villain is very daring they go for Pepper. 

Which makes mistakes three to six obsolete since they never get so far. Abduct Pepper and hell will rain down on you. When Pepper is involved Tony is out before Shield even really realizes they are captured and all that is left to do for them is search the remains for any valuable intel. Thankfully most of the villains understood that by now. 

So they mostly go for Clint or Natasha and the only thing it does for Tony is that it makes him angry, the cold efficient anger that he needs to come up with his best ideas, and therefore creative. Sometimes it also makes him sick but that depends on the villain and what they are willing to do. 

The reason for the abduction usually leads to mistake number three. They want something from Tony and so they put him into a room with computers or machines and tools. He is supervised of course, every step of his work, but they are just villains with no or scarce computer knowledge because if they knew how to do it they would do it themselves. 

But instead they give Tony the playground he needs and provide every tool he asks for and then they go on and demand something from him. 

Mistake number four comes right after that because they believe him when he tells them he's making progress. 

They check his work and can't find anything that looks suspicious and they have his team mates under torture and malnourished and sometimes badly hurt and they know he wouldn't go anywhere without them. 

And they are right he wouldn't but that doesn't mean he plans the perfect escape plan for every situation he finds himself in. 

Mistake number five is that the villains believe they just have to monitor the remaining Avengers and Shield to stay one step ahead of them because of course Tony Stark would need saving. 

What they don't know is that Tony is indeed able to save himself, thank you very much. So even if the computer they have him work on is the worst he could imagine he always finds a way to connect to Jarvis and to send his suit on the way. 

When Tony gets abducted it is already mostly protocol for Shield to wait for Jarvis’ call to let them know where they have to go to pick up whoever had the misfortune to be bait for Tony. Which usually includes a medical team because of all the damage Natasha or Clint suffered. 

Tony is very capable of escaping without help. He had enough practice with that.

The sixth mistake is the one the villains are always really caught off guard by. 

When Tony's plan begins to play itself out, when the suit arrives and he wracks havoc with it, when his team mates are saved and Shield is on their way, the villains always expect mercy. 

They never think that Tony would be capable of hurting or even killing them but they seem to forget that they seriously injured his friends, with a maniac smile most of the times, to get him to do stuff that endangers the whole planet. 

The villains forget those facts pretty easily when they stare into the extended thrusters and beg for their lives but Tony doesn't. Tony never forgets and he never forgives. 

Sometimes Shield gets to them before Tony has a chance to get to the villain but most of the time that's not the case. 

What's left for Shield is usually cleaning up after Tony and taking care of the injured Avengers because the rest has been dealt with. 

And so Tony Stark has brought more villains down than the whole team together and yet the villains still think it's the smart move to abduct him. 

Sometimes he wonders if they will ever learn.


	24. Leave Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve makes a promise. It's not him who can't keep it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So these seem to get longer and longer which can tell you a lot about my sleeping problem. And as you may have noticed I have a thing for Tony/Bucky so if I were you I wouldn't expect anything else for a while. I hope you enjoy this.

When Bucky waltzed into the tower and therefor the Avengers’ life, redeemed by Steve and cleared by Shield psychologists, Tony knew that it would change a lot. 

The team was watching his every step warily, not really convinced that he was not dangerous anymore, but he proved himself over and over again. 

Tony was more wary around him than the others because he was a bit afraid that it would change something between him and Steve. 

Steve had admitted early on that he and Bucky had a brief, secret thing during the war but that it had ended before Bucky fell and Tony believed him, he really did. It was just that Tony was, well Tony, and if something or someone better came up, which meant literally anyone, people were prone to leave him. 

And so he was stressed and avoiding Bucky and trying so damn hard to please Steve just so that he wouldn't leave him. 

Steve noticed of course and sat him down one evening. "Tony. What is going on?" he asked and Tony wanted to cringe. Because right then and there nothing was going on. Steve was still Steve, happy to have his best friend back, happy to be Tony’s boyfriend and nothing had changed so far. 

So Tony didn't tell him what was going on and instead said "You must be happy to have Bucky back" because it was the first thing that came to mind. 

Steve narrowed his eyes at that and Tony could almost see the wheels turning and he should have phrased that better because he knew that Steve was going to figure it out before he even opened his mouth. 

"You think I will leave you and go back to him." It wasn't even a question just a statement, that's how damn sure Steve was that this was the problem. 

"Maybe" Tony said and tried not to give too much away but of course Steve could read him. 

He took his hand and said "I am not going to leave you for Bucky. I promise you that. I love you and I will not leave you for him. He is my best friend." 

"But he used to be something more" Tony lowly pointed out. 

"And we got over that way before he fell. We had time to get our friendship back. You don't have to worry about it." Steve sounded sincere, he was always sincere, but this time Tony felt like it held more importance than usual. 

And Steve promised. He wasn't a person who did that lightly because he always stood by his promises and so Tony was relieved. 

He started to actually interact with Bucky, allowed himself to get crazy over that beautiful arm that needed so much attention and he talked to Steve about Bucky. Bucky being in the workshop became a common occurrence, if there was something to fix on the arm or not. 

Tony felt everything was going good until Natasha pulled him aside. "You have to be careful" she said with a look to Bucky. 

"About what?" he asked confused and followed her gaze. "You think he'll hurt me?" 

"That's not what I meant. I just... he and Steve have history. They get each other. I don't want you to get hurt. None of us do." 

It was only then that Tony realized that the team had been oddly protective about him lately and that they had successfully intervened in every situation that required Steve and Bucky to be in one room. 

"You think Steve’s going to leave me" he said with a little smile, touched by the fact that Natasha cared. She nodded and he went on. "But that won't happen cause he told me it is long over and he even promised." 

Her eyes slightly widened at that but she smiled. "Good. Good for him." 

Tony wondered what would happen to Captain America if he broke that promise but frankly it was too terrifying to think about that so instead he turned back to Bucky. 

"Think I can go over there now and fix the latest kink it has developed?" he asked Natasha and pointed at the arm. 

"Sure. You go and have fun" Natasha told him with a light touch to the arm. 

So Tony went back to his work and now that he knew about the concerns of the team it became much more apparent that they were protecting him whenever they could. 

It was sweet, really, if not a little overbearing because he trusted Steve with this. 

Instead of telling them to back off he spend more and more time in Bucky’s presence to show them that there was absolutely no reason to be this concerned and he even managed to get Steve and Bucky in a room without one of the others bursting in. 

It all went very well until one day Tony was hit by the realization that he was  
falling for Bucky. 

He couldn't even pinpoint when it had begun just that he liked spending every minute with him and that he avoided Steve now and that he couldn't stop thinking about Bucky and it wasn't only because he was hot. Tony could have handled that. 

But it was also because Bucky was funny and sarcastic and knew how to get what he wanted by pushing the right buttons and he challenged Tony to a level that Steve couldn't. 

Tony tried to ignore it, he send Bucky out of the workshop when there was nothing to fix on the arm, banning him from just keeping him company and after that didn’t really work he started avoiding him too. 

And even though it was a big tower with many floors Bucky still was a trained assassin and he managed to find Tony every time he hid. 

And so he did on this day. Tony had seen Steve and Bucky in the common kitchen eating and he had turned around to flee to his own kitchen, not willing to spend time with those two together. 

He could enjoy the quiet, Steve and Bucky free space for approximately two minutes before Bucky marched in. 

"You are avoiding me." 

"I could be avoiding Steve" Tony tried half-heartedly because he had learned the hard way that bullshitting Bucky didn't really work. 

"Sure. So what did I do?" Bucky asked while he moved closer. 

"Nothing really. But I would prefer it if you could stay there." Because lately it just had become very hard to keep his hands off of Bucky and Tony was in no mood to exercise restrain today. 

"So I’m not allowed closer but I didn't do anything. Is there a reason you keep the kitchen island between us?" 

Bucky had started to walk towards him despite Tony’s request and Tony found it easier to keep distance if something physically enhanced it.

"Why don't you go back to Steve. You two seemed to have such a lovely time." 

"If this is meant to imply that Steve and I have a thing going on I have to tell you, you are mistaken." 

"Oh I know, I know" Tony muttered and went around the island when Bucky kept moving. 

"Could you stop doing this Tony? What is going on?" 

"Did you know that Steve promised not to leave me for you?" 

Bucky stopped dead in his tracks and mulled that over. "Why would he do that? I am not interested in him and he is not interested in me. He is with you." 

"I know that. Believe me, do I know that." 

"So if that is not your problem..." Bucky started and trailed off. "He promised you. And he keeps his word. But you didn't promise and that is the problem here right?" 

Bucky looked at Tony to get some confirmation and when Tony couldn't hold his gaze Bucky started to curse before he said "I kinda hoped that you wouldn't feel this way because then it would have been just me and my stupid crush on my best friends boyfriend." 

"No nononono, you did not just say that. Don't say that. It's not a crush. You don't get to have a crush on me because I cannot handle this." Tony said and sat down on a chair. "I cannot leave him. He promised me. I can't go and do what he promised not to." 

"I know" Bucky sat down on a chair opposite of Tony’s. "But what are we gonna do? I mean I have feelings for you and you have feelings for me and are you still in love with Steve?" 

"No he's not" Steve said from the door and both heads whipped around to him. 

"Steve" Tony whispered and silently wondered how long he had been standing there. 

"I knew something was going on because you are usually a very hands-y person but lately you’ve kept your distance and I was wondering what I did but it wasn't me." 

"Nothing is going on Steve, I swear. I am just in love with that arm and projected it onto Bucky. Please. It's nothing." 

Steve smiled sadly at him. "Did you even notice that all you ever talk about is Bucky related? Everything that comes out of your mouth when we are together is about him. And I tried to ignore it, tried to tell myself that it was nothing, but clearly it isn't. You two are in love and I am in the way." 

Tony didn't know what to say to that and so he turned to Bucky who was holding Steve’s gaze. "I didn’t mean to fall in love with him. It just happened. And I would never have done anything about it. I still won’t if you two decide to work it out." 

Steve looked at him before he turned his gaze at Tony. "And you were so afraid that I would leave you. I always knew it would be you who leaves me." 

He turned back to Bucky. "We are not going to work this out. Tony and I are done. I will not stand between you two because a stupid promise keeps him bound to this." 

He sounded sure but his voice was flat and there was no sign of emotion. Over the years Tony had learned that that was the voice Steve used when he was hurting so bad that he didn't knew what to do and Tony felt so horrible he was almost sick. 

"I am so sorry Steve. I didn't mean to. I wasn't asking for this." 

"Well, neither was I" Steve whispered and turned towards the door. "I will get my things and move back to my floor. It won't take long." 

Before Tony could think of something else to say Steve was already gone. 

"Well shit" Tony whispered and Bucky agreed with him. 

"Now what are we gonna do?" Bucky eventually asked and Tony turned to him. 

"We are not going to do anything. My boyfriend of three years just left me and even though I am in love with you I will need some time." 

Bucky nodded and didn't argue with that. They had already waited long enough that this wouldn't make much of a difference anymore.


	25. Let Me Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There had been an accident. Now Tony is faced with the thoughest decision he ever had to make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a major character death drabble again. I don't even know what drove me to do this. I think I just like to see Tony and Bucky suffer. And you can suffer with them like I did. 
> 
> I changed a part of that story last minute so if you find something funny or something that doesn't make sense please let me know.
> 
> And now enjoy!

Tony was chipper as he worked on his latest invention which demanded a lot of his attention and so he only briefly glanced over when Steve walked in. Bucky was not with him and so Tony quickly concentrated back on his work. 

"Hey Cap. How did it go? Where’s Bucky?" 

"Tony" Steve said and Tony knew that tone. It meant something serious was about to happen and he sighed as he turned around, already ready to mock him with whatever this was. 

When he got a good look at Steve’s face he sobered up completely though. This face meant bad news. 

"Where is Bucky?" Tony asked again because he usually came down to the workshop first when he returned from a mission. Tony as well as Bucky needed the reminder that the other was alright.

"Tony I have to" Steve started haltingly but Tony was having none of that. 

"Just spit it out Cap. Don’t drag this along" Tony said and already stabilized himself on the workbench behind him as if to brace himself for a hit that was to come. "Just tell me." 

Steve took a deep breath and then said "There has been an accident." 

Tony shook his head. "No. You don't say that. Ever. Not with this kind of face. You don't get to say that." 

"Tony, please" Steve stepped closer and Tony raised his hand. If it was as bad as he thought he would need the distance. 

"Is he still alive? Just tell me that. Is he still alive?" 

"He is in medical" Steve answered. 

Relieve washed through Tony and he was ready to hit Steve for scaring the shit outta him. "So what happened?" 

"Tony you have to listen to me" Steve said in the most urgent voice he could muster. "It’s not good. He is alive but that's it. He...the doctors say...it doesn't look good. He can't move." 

So maybe it was time for Tony to lean onto the table again. "But that will change, right?" 

Steve shook his head. "I didn't really understand what the doctor told us but something in his brain short circuited or something and now he can't do anything." 

"You have to stop talking right now. I have to go" Tony told him and pushed past him not caring if Steve was following him or not. 

He arrived in Shield medical not ten minutes later and when he stepped out of his suit a doctor was already waiting for him along with Fury and Coulson. 

"Mr Stark, we would have called you immediately but Captain Rogers asked us to wait until he spoke to you." 

"Why would you call me?" Tony asked, momentarily confused. 

The doctor frowned and said "You are listed as his closest kin and are therefore his emergency contact." 

Tony’s eyebrows shot up. "I am what?" 

The doctor opened his mouth to speak again but Tony stopped him. "No, you know what? I don't even care right now. Just tell me how he is." 

"He was brought here because he couldn’t move or breathe and after our work up we found out that he had a brainstem stroke." 

Tony had done enough research to be able to connect the nerves to the arm correctly that he knew what that meant. He still shook his head. 

The doctor seemed to think that he didn't understand the diagnose and elaborated. "We call it locked-in syndrome. Patients usually only have control over their eyes and that is the case here. He has been communicating through Morse code but that's about it. He is intubated because he can't breathe on his own and I am sorry but this won't heal." 

"He has the serum. It will be fine. If you'll excuse me now I have to see him." 

Tony moved past the doctor and avoided Fury and Coulson altogether and they were smart enough not to stop him. He took a deep breath before he entered the room and quickly closed the door behind him. 

There was only one bed in here with a lot of monitors and Bucky was lying very still. Tony moved closer right beside him and when Bucky’s eyes snapped to his he took his hand. 

"It’s alright. I'm here. It will be okay." 

"Missed you" Bucky blinked with his eyes and Tony smiled. It was their usually greeting after being apart because of a mission. 

"Missed you too" he answered and leaned down to kiss Bucky on the head since there was a tube sticking out of his mouth. "What happened?" Tony asked him and Tony could tell that Bucky wanted to shrug only to realize, again as it seemed, that he couldn’t do it. 

"Don’t know. I fell" he signed and Tony stroke his head. 

"Okay. We will figure this out and you will be back to your usually annoying self in no time." 

Bucky indicated a nod with his eyes before he closed them. Through the monitors Tony could tell that he dozed off almost immediately and he guessed that Bucky had just stayed awake to see him. 

Tony carefully let go of his hand and turned around to leave the room but he could hear Fury and Coulson talk on the other side of the door and he wasn't really ready to face them again so he went into the bathroom that was connected to this room. 

He closed the door, not bothering to turn on the light, and then he let himself slide down to the ground. His breaths were coming hard and fast and he had to fight back tears. 

He hadn’t believed Steve, or the doctor for that matter, but seeing Bucky with his own eyes, lying in bed so helplessly, that was a total new horror. And he knew that this wasn't temporary, brainstem stroked never healed and he wasn't sure that Bucky had enough serum in his body to heal something like this. 

Tony wouldn't be able to do anything for him except being strong and so he only allowed himself this break down in a dark room. 

When he went back out there he needed to have himself under control. So he didn't try to stifle his breaths and sobs all that much and he kept telling himself that this would go away.

 

It had been four months and nothing had changed. 

Bucky was still unable to move and they were nowhere near a cure. They didn’t even know what caused it, though the doctors suspected that it had been due to the extensive damage Bucky’s brain had suffered during the wipes. 

Tony had been in medical every day and he had watched the light leave Bucky’s eyes. He had made jokes in the beginning but that had long ceased. Now Bucky answered when they wouldn't leave him alone and that was it. 

Sometimes he wouldn't even acknowledge that Tony was there. He had lost every will to fight and Tony could see it. 

It still caught him off guard when Steve and the doctor waited for him when he came back to Bucky’s room. "Mr. Stark, we have to talk." 

"What?" Tony asked, already annoyed because he knew that this wouldn't lead to anything.

"This will be hard to hear, so maybe we should sit down" the doctor said and gestured at a few chairs. 

Tony eyed Steve warily and realized that he looked positively sick. "What happened? Is he alright?" 

"His medical condition did not change but he is not alright. Mr Stark, he asked us to turn off his life support." 

Tony wavered and Steve put a hand to his shoulder to stabilize him. "No" Tony croaked out and vigorously shook his head. "Not happening. He can come back from this." 

"Tony I don't think he wants that anymore. That was the first thing he said to me in over a week." 

"Why are you telling me this? Why not just do it then if you think this is the right choice?" Tony bit out and slapped his hand away. 

“Mr Stark, I told you, you are listed as his closest kin. That means we have to tell you. You have to at least hear it before we do it." 

Everything around Tony went fuzzy for a few seconds and his ears buzzed before he got himself under control again. "Excuse me" he stiffly said and walked into the next empty room he could find. 

He wanted to scream or cry or kill something but before he could do any of that Steve walked in behind him. 

"Tony. We have to talk about this." 

"Leave." 

"Tony, please." 

"I said leave" Tony screamed and hit Steve in the face. 

He was fairly certain that Steve only turned his head so that Tony wouldn't break his hand but that only fuelled his anger. Even more so when Steve opened his mouth.

“He doesn’t need your consent on this but I know that he wants it. He wants you to understand.” 

"You don't get to tell me anything. I am left with this and you need to shut the fuck up." 

"Tony I know this is hard, believe me I know, but we have to" before Steve could finish his sentence Tony stormed out and waltzed into Bucky’s room. 

He slammed the door shut and stormed over to the bed to lean closely over Bucky who looked slightly scared up at him. 

"You don't get to quit, do you hear me? And you certainly don't get to lay this decision on me. If you wanna do it then just go ahead. Please. No one is stopping you. But I will not support this decision. This is on you." 

When Bucky’s only reaction was a signed "Please" all the fight left Tony. 

"You don't get to do this" he whispered and sat down on his bed. 

"Please let me go" Bucky signed and Tony felt a tear run down his face. 

"No. You can still fight this." 

"I'm tired." 

"You have to hold on." 

"I don't want to live like this" Bucky blinked, furiously even though he couldn’t move a muscle in his face, and Tony closed his eyes. 

If he couldn't see what Bucky was telling him with his eyes then he wouldn't have to accept it. When Bucky’s heart rate elaborated he quickly opened his eyes. 

"Don’t do this to me. I can't live like this" Bucky signed and Tony stood up. 

"And you think I can live with supporting your suicide? I have to go now" he whispered and his voice cracked. "See you tomorrow." 

With that he walked out of the room and right into Steve. "Don’t make me do this" he pleaded and sank down to the floor. "You can accept his decision. You are his best friend. He just needs someone to understand. And I can't do that." 

"You think I can? That in there is my brother" Steve said and Tony didn't need to look up to know that Steve was crying. "And he listed you. That means he wants you to understand this. Do you really think it would help if I told him I understood what he was doing? Do you?”

"I can't. I can't let them pull the plug on the machine that keeps him breathing." 

"You think I can? But it's what he wants." 

Now Tony looked up at him. "You think we should support him" he whispered horrified by that. 

"I think that Bucky doesn't want to live like this. I think he’s been through enough." 

"If he didn't then maybe you shouldn’t have waited for me because I am not dealing with this. He should have put up a patient’s provision or something so that we wouldn’t have to deal with this.”

"You really believe he thought it would end like this? Tony! He is a soldier. He expected to die in battle. Not to vegetate in a smelly hospital bed." 

Tony tried to suppress his tears and after a while he sought Steve’s gaze. 

"What would you do? Could you let him leave without showing him that you understand?” 

Steve looked down at him before he avoided his gaze. "No. I couldn’t. God help me, but I would pull the plug for him if that is what he needs.”

Tony let out a stuttering breath and his tears flew freely now. "I can't. I can't end his life, Steve. If I go back in there and tell him that it’s okay, I end his life. How am I supposed to do that? I was going to ask him to marry me and now I have to assist in his suicide?” 

Steve crouched down in front of him and his face was wet with tears. "We can do it together. We can do this for him." 

Tony thought about that, thought about all the other options they had, and he came up blank. "I don't want to" he finally managed. 

"None of us do. But this is what Bucky wants. And that has to count for something." 

New tears rolled down Tony’s face when he nodded. "Okay" he silently said and Steve briefly closed his eyes as if he had been hit. 

"Okay" he whispered back and got up. "I’ll go and find the doctor." 

When Steve was gone Tony started to cry freely. He had to do it now because he had to be strong in Bucky’s room and so he let it all out. 

He thought about his time with Bucky, what they had gone through and how they had managed all of it, how they overcame every obstacle, and it made him cry even harder. 

He only stopped and tried to regain some sense of control when Steve knocked at the door to let him know that the doctor was there now. 

Tony took some deep breaths to get himself back under control and then he stood up. He took one last deep breath as he opened the door. 

He could do this. He could give Bucky what he wanted.


	26. He Loves You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not only Bucky who is in love

Tony started to notice that something was wrong when Bucky began to avoid him. It wasn’t obvious, not really, because Bucky was too good for that, but still. Tony noticed. 

The first indicator was when Bucky blew off their weekly movie evening. It was a team thing and so Tony didn’t suspect anything from the beginning but when Bucky found excuses to sleep in his own bed and keep Tony out of it, it became clear that something was off. 

After that it only went downhill and soon Bucky actively avoided being in the same room with Tony. 

Which made team meetings a real challenge to all of them because the others of course noticed that something was not right. When Bruce asked Tony about it, all he could do was shrug because he didn’t know any better than any of them. 

But when even Natasha felt the need to comment on their behaviour Tony decided it was time that they talked. 

He hated this part of a relationship because it usually ended in a break-up and he wasn’t quite ready to hear that from Bucky. But he also couldn’t take the cold shoulder anymore and so, with the help of his teammates, he cornered Bucky in his living-room. 

When Bucky noticed him there was an instant flight reaction that was only barely concealed. It nearly made Tony flinch because while he loved Bucky and never wanted him to leave he also felt terrible about sparking those feelings in Bucky and if Bucky truly wanted to leave him then he’ll have to suck it up because hurting a person he loved, even if it was not reciprocated, was not a thing he does. 

But in order to get to this point he had to get Bucky to talk to him and so he didn’t budge when Bucky tried to shove him away with just a stare. Because touching, as so many other things, was not a thing they did anymore apparently. 

“What do you want Tony? I am busy.” 

“Avoiding me? Yeah I have noticed. How about we talk about that?” 

“There’s nothing to talk about.” 

“But you’ve been avoiding me.” Tony was only met with silence at that and he nodded at himself. “So you are not even denying it.” 

“Can we not do this now?” Bucky asked and he looked outright frightened which was not what Tony had expected. “I am tired. This is not a good time” Bucky continued and rubbed his forehead. 

“So when will be a good time? When we stopped looking at each other? When we barely acknowledge that the other lives in the same house? When, Bucky?” Tony demanded and he was proud that he could conceal the bitterness he felt.

“Certainly not now” Bucky answered and tried to move past Tony. “I will go now.” 

Tony stepped in his path and blocked the door. He knew that he wasn’t really a match for Bucky, they both knew that, but it still stopped Bucky. 

“Do you know why we are doing this now? Because it took me almost two weeks and the help of the others to get you alone in a room. That’s why we’re doing this now.”

When Tony had moved in his way Bucky had immediately stepped back again like it was crucial that there were a certain amount of space between them at all times. 

Tony tried not to think too hard about that because that did not only indicate that Bucky didn’t love him anymore but also that he did something to Bucky, even if he wasn’t aware of it, and that was a thought he certainly couldn’t live with. 

“Just tell me what I did so I can undo it or change it or something.” 

Bucky frowned at that. “What you did? You didn’t do anything. It’s not you...” 

“I swear to God if you continue that with ‘it’s me’ I am going to punch you” Tony said and even though he would likely break his wrist doing so he meant every word. 

Bucky snapped his mouth shut at that and Tony let out a deep breath. “So what? You grew tired of me? You don’t love me anymore? Just spit it out because this” Tony made a vague hand gesture between them, “is driving me insane and frankly I can’t do it anymore.”

Bucky looked pained at that and raised a hand as if he wanted to reach out for Tony. He caught himself in the last moment and the hand dropped back to his side. 

“This is not... look, can we talk about this tomorrow? I am too tired to talk about this now.” 

“Haven’t you been sleeping? Did the nightmares come back?” Tony asked because he just couldn’t help but worry about Bucky. 

He knew that the nightmares had lessened and that sleep wasn’t a foreign concept to Bucky anymore but it had taken them months to get to that point and if he had a relapse Tony needed to know. 

“The nightmares got nothing to do with it okay? Now stop it. Please.” 

So the nightmares were back. It was a bad sign, Tony knew that and he wished for nothing more than to help Bucky somehow. But that was very apparently unwanted and Tony knew that he should probably do as Bucky asked and leave him alone but it had taken him ages to get here and he wasn’t going to waste that opportunity. 

“No. We will talk about this now.” 

“Can’t you just...” 

“I want to know...” 

“Let us do this...” 

“Why won’t you...” 

“Can you please leave me...” 

“Why the fuck won’t you talk to me?” Tony ended up shouting. 

His voice mingled with Bucky’s when he yelled “I love you” and his tone had all gone dark, it send a shiver done Tony’s spine, and the moment Bucky realized he said it he slapped a hand over his mouth. 

“I know that” Tony said confused. Because he did know it even if he had a hard time believing it in the past few weeks. 

Bucky still looked horrified and took a few steps away from Tony. “No you don’t understand” he weakly said and shook his head. 

“You have said it before. What is the big deal now?” 

Bucky looked wide eyed at him and kept retreating until his legs hit the couch and then he just let him fall down on it. 

“Bucky?” Tony tentatively asked and slowly walked closer to Bucky. “What is wrong with saying it now?” Tony wanted to ask if it wasn’t true anymore but he couldn’t quite gather the courage to ask that and so he just waited for Bucky to answer. 

He kept quiet for a long time avoiding Tony’s eyes but then he finally took a deep breath. “It’s not me saying it” he admitted to his hands and Tony didn’t really understand what Bucky was trying to tell him. 

“But you just...” 

“No. Don’t you understand? It wasn’t me. It wasn’t me who said it.” 

Bucky was looking at Tony now and he pleaded with him to understand without having to say the actual words because that would make it real and he couldn’t handle that. But Tony obviously didn’t understand, Bucky could see the confusion on his face and he sighed. 

“I need you to talk to me” Tony said when it looked like Bucky wouldn’t elaborate on that. 

“Okay fine. Fine” Bucky said and got up to pace. “Let’s talk about how when I go to sleep I wake up halfway to your room. How, when I close my eyes for too long I am already on my way searching for you. Or how when I touch you I am afraid I won’t be able to feel it.” 

Bucky had stopped his pacing to look at him and Tony suspected where this was going but he needed Bucky to say it out loud. 

“What are you telling me?” he asked and Bucky looked defeated. 

“The solider is in love with you” he finally admitted and let himself fall back down on the sofa again. 

It was as Tony had expected and so he wasn’t really that shocked. More surprised than anything and hurt that it seemed to hurt Bucky so badly. 

Tony slowly approached him but when he sat next to him on the couch Bucky immediately put some more space between them. Tony had extended a hand towards Bucky but when he moved away from him he let if fall down. 

“It scares you” Tony stated and Bucky looked back at his hands before he slightly nodded. “Why?” 

“Because I don’t know if he’s capable of love. I don’t know if he’s going to hurt you.” 

Tony nodded but Bucky still looked down and so he said: “I get that. But that’s not it. Why does it scare you this much?” 

This time Bucky looked at him and he was pained and sad when he said: “Because I don’t know what of this belongs to him and what to me. I can’t differentiate our feelings.” 

Tony briefly closed his eyes before he said: “You are afraid that it’s just him who loves me. That those aren’t your feelings.” That they took another thing from you, though Tony didn’t say that out loud. He had a hard time saying anything at all, it was difficult to bring the words out when there was so much pain in his chest that had nothing to do with the arc reactor. 

Bucky held his gaze when he nodded and it broke Tony’s heart. “There is just no way to know” Bucky explained with an unsteady voice. 

“You weren’t afraid in the beginning” Tony pointed out in an attempt to make it better but Bucky shook his head. 

“I wasn’t, that’s true. But he was so much stronger in the beginning. Maybe it was him all along.” 

What Bucky was saying here was that maybe he never had been in love with Tony and that hurt Tony more than any break up they could have had. Still, he had to try to make Bucky see reason because he didn’t believe that it had been the soldier all along. 

“But he is not strong now” Tony pointed out.

“No he is not. Usually not. He is only strong when it comes to you.” 

“But you are stronger than him.” 

“Most of the time, yes. I usually can keep the control when I am awake.” 

Tony remembered that Bucky had said he couldn’t do this now, he was too tired and he wondered just how strong the soldier really was these days. If some of their time before Bucky had backed away had been with the soldier and not Bucky at all. It was a scary thought but not as scary as losing Bucky.

“You couldn’t beat him in the beginning. You learned control. Don’t you think that control goes for everything? Even the feelings?” 

“I’m not sure” Bucky whispered and closed his eyes. “The love is everywhere. And I can’t decide... I can’t make out...” 

“What is his and what is yours” Tony finished weakly for him. 

He was going to lose Bucky over this if he didn’t find a compelling argument and in this moment he knew it. 

Bucky wouldn’t be with him like that and Tony wouldn’t force him to. If they couldn’t work this out, if Tony couldn’t convince him that it was Bucky who felt this way, then Bucky would leave him. 

And Tony wasn’t ready for that, maybe he never would be, and so he wrecked his brain for something to distinguish between Bucky and the soldier. It took him several minutes where they just sat by one another before he got an idea. 

“Do you hate Steve?” 

“What?” Bucky asked confused by this sudden question. “Of course I don’t hate him.” 

“Okay. How does the soldier feel about him?” 

Bucky thought about that for a few seconds and then said “He is frustrated and angry at Steve because he was the one target that wouldn’t go down. He still sees him as a target.” 

“Do these feelings affect you?” Tony asked and carefully took Bucky’s hand in his. “Do they change how you think about Steve?” 

“No. Not at all. Those are not my feelings.” 

“So you can easily name what are his feelings and what are yours.” 

“Yes I can” Bucky said and there was a small smile playing around his mouth when he understood where Tony was going with this. 

“So if you can’t make out which feelings belong to the solider and which belong to you...” 

“Then they must be the same” Bucky finished and smiled for real now. „So we are both in love with you.” 

“Looks like it” Tony said, relief washing over him. Maybe he wasn’t going to lose Bucky after all. He squeezed his hand a little tighter and Bucky returned the gesture. 

“But what are we going to do about it?” Bucky asked eventually and Tony groaned. 

“I don’t know yet. Probably nothing. Give me a minute to be happy about the fact that you are not leaving me.” 

“I can do that. I am happy that I am not leaving you, too.” 

“Good” Tony smiled and leaned in for a kiss that, for the first time in a very long time, was returned without hesitation and Tony knew that they would make this work. With or without the soldier.


	27. Come Closer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes all they need are cuddles

Tony had a lot of nightmares recently. 

He was used them, he got them a lot before, but since the Mandarin disaster there hadn’t been so many. Sure, the Mandarin had been bad on more level than one, but somehow it wasn’t up to par with the rest of his experiences. Still, the nightmares just kept coming back lately.

And it wasn’t even that something had happened, people just kept asking. 

It was because of all the leaked files and Bucky moving into the tower, Tony knew that, but it didn’t change the fact that people kept asking him about the caves and dying and his parents and Yinsen and the Chitauri mess and Obediah. There were a lot of things people could ask.

All of that made it impossible for Tony to sleep. 

He was good at repressing these things, he knew how to take his mind off of it, but wherever he went people pestered him, kept asking those intruding questions and Tony was just so very tired. 

He knew that he shouldn’t let it get to him, that all these things were long behind him, that he made it out, but he occasionally did get a panic attack and sand and caves, and sometimes even water, still crept him out, which made reacting rationally about this mess kinda hard. 

So he slept less to prevent the nightmares which made him snappy and aggressive and the team had decided that he needed his sleep. 

They didn’t know why he stayed up all night and he had no intention to tell them, though he guessed they could put it together. He just nodded when they approached him and when they actually escorted him to his room he was glad that he had a tablet there so he could still work. 

Which was what he was doing when suddenly someone knocked on his door. 

Tony looked up, surprised who would still be awake at this late hour, but he called out to the person nonetheless. 

The door opened and Bucky entered looking a bit sheepish. Tony quickly glanced at his clock only to see that it was nearly morning already and wondered if Bucky slept at all. 

Bucky had caught his glance and said “I get nightmares too, so no, I didn’t sleep.” 

“Who said something about nightmares?” Tony asked, deflecting, and concentrated on the tablet again. 

“I know it’s hard to talk about them and that’s not what I am asking. I just wanted to...I guess I just wanted to tell you that being in company helps. That’s the reason I sleep so often during team evenings. It calms me. Having you around. Makes the sleeping easier.” 

“I am not gonna sleep then. They are going to destroy the TV if they are not supervised.” 

Bucky briefly smiled before he continued talking. “I know. I’m just saying that I am up most nights and if you can’t sleep we can... sit together or something until you can.” 

Tony carefully regarded him, trying to figure out if Bucky caught up on him, if he noticed the way Tony sometimes looked at him but it didn’t seem to be that. 

This seemed to be a genuine offer without any ulterior motives, except being able to sleep, and Tony was touched by the gesture, even if he would never take Bucky up on it. 

“Thanks. I appreciate it.” 

“But you won’t ever take me up on it.” 

“Probably not” Tony said with a small smile and went back to work to signal Bucky that this conversation was over. 

“Maybe I have to then” Bucky mumbled while he backed out of the room and then Tony had already forgotten about this conversation. 

Until one night it knocked again on his door. Tony send an exasperated look to the ceiling because it was indeed Jarvis job to warn him about things like that. 

“Sir I do believe I forgot to tell you that Mister Barnes inquired if you were still awake.” 

“Of course you forgot. Why do I even have you” Tony mumbled and called for Bucky to enter. 

He was wearing sweatpants and a shirt that was sweat soaked and he looked like hell. 

“What happened to you?” Tony asked astonished because Bucky’s hair was ruffled and he was barefoot and Tony had never seen him this vulnerable. 

“Nightmare” Bucky managed after he stayed silent for a minute. “Can I stay here?” 

“Why not go to Steve?” Tony asked to swallow the rushed ‘yes’ that was already on his lips. Of course Bucky could stay if that was what he wanted. He could always stay. Tony still had to know why him and not Steve. 

“He doesn’t get it.” 

Tony raised an eyebrow. “You want to tell me Captain Perfect doesn’t get nightmares?” 

“Oh no, he does. About the ice and drowning and all those dead people weigh heavy on his conscious but somehow he still doesn’t get it.” 

“It’s because he’s never been...” Tony started but trailed off before he could finish the sentence so Bucky did it for him. “Tortured. Unmade. Forced.” 

Tony nodded at that and then looked at Bucky. “What do you wanna do?” 

“It would help me if I could just lie next to you.” 

Tony’s heart rate spiked up at that because Bucky in his bed was one of the things he never let himself think about. And he certainly wasn’t expecting for it to happen like this. 

But with the way Bucky looked Tony couldn’t really say no and so he nodded. “But I have to finish some work here so...” 

“That’s fine. I just need company” Bucky said while he walked over to the bed and climbed in. He grabbed Tony’s spare blanket and stayed on his side of the bed but he turned towards Tony when he closed his eyes. 

Tony tried very hard not to stare at him when his breath evened out after an amazingly short amount of time; instead he forced himself to concentrate on the work he still had to do. 

It was hard and the body next to him was distracting and in the end he lost the battle. He lowered his tablet to look at Bucky. 

He looked peaceful and young in his sleep and Tony realized that he was. Bucky was barely thirty and sometimes Tony forgot that. 

Bucky seemed to be deeply asleep because when Tony finally shifted and lay down himself he didn’t so much as stir. 

Tony fell asleep quickly and this was one of the rare nights where no nightmares plagued his sleep. 

When he woke up the next morning Bucky was gone and when Tony found him in the common kitchen the only acknowledgment of the night before was a quick muttered “Thanks”. 

Tony tried not to let it get to him and he also tried very hard not to think too much of it especially since every night after that was a horror show, one nightmare worse than the other. 

He refused to sleep on the sixth night because instead of waking up panting and sweat soaked he figured he could work and so that was what he did. 

He didn’t sleep for the next two nights and when he couldn’t think straight anymore and the tablet in his hands did funny things he placed it on the nightstand. 

He knew that if he fell asleep now there would be sand or water, he could almost feel it already, and Tony tried very hard to stay awake. 

He knew that it was a losing battle, his eyes falling shut every few seconds, and so he eventually asked Jarvis “Is Bucky still awake?” 

“Mister Barnes just woke up after a nightmare.” 

Tony weighed his options for a moment before he slipped out of bed. “Ask him if it’s alright if I come over” he said to Jarvis and stood awkwardly in his bedroom. 

“Mister Barnes seems to appreciate that idea” Jarvis eventually said. “His exact words were ‘fuck yes’.”

Tony’s heart did a funny thing at that but he was too tired to dwell on it and so he quickly made his way over to Bucky’s room. 

Tony knocked once before he opened the door and Bucky was obviously waiting for him, sitting up in his bed and when he saw Tony he padded the side next to him. 

“Took you long enough” he said and when Tony came over he could see that Bucky’s eyes were slightly widened and that his breathing was elaborated. Not to mention the bags underneath them. 

Tony slipped under the cover and he inched a bit closer to Bucky than he did the last time, to spend more comfort. 

Bucky noticed it and smiled before he settled down himself and his body curled towards Tony and they fell asleep like that. 

When Tony woke up he was disorientated for a moment before he noticed Bucky next to him who came closer during the night. 

His head was only an inch away from Tony’s shoulder but they didn’t touch and Tony was grateful for it. This was bad enough already and there was only so much he could take. 

He carefully moved away from Bucky and practically fled out of the room. 

He needed to stop this. Sure he could sleep when Bucky was there but he was too tempted and it hurt to know that Bucky only came to him for that. So this had to stop. 

He lasted exactly three nights before he wished for Bucky back, just so that he could sleep for five minutes without waking up shaking and sweat soaked.

He tried to sleep in the common living-room when some of the others where there but it didn’t work as well as it did with Bucky so he soon gave up on it. 

But he didn’t go back to Bucky’s room either; instead he lay awake in his bed wishing he could just go there but he stayed where he was. 

On the fifth night there was a knock on his door again. 

“Jarvis” Tony said exasperated. 

“Sir, Mister Barnes inquired if you were still awake.” 

“No kidding” Tony muttered under his breath and louder he called out for Bucky to enter. 

“You don’t sleep either” Bucky said with one look at Tony’s face. “Why don’t you come over?” 

“Why didn’t you come over?” Tony shot back but Bucky stayed silent at that. Tony could guess that the answer was ‘because I was waiting for you’. 

Tony abandoned his spot in the middle of the bed to make room for Bucky who promptly came over. 

He settled down in the spot Tony had inhabited a second ago and he snuggled deeper into the mattress, obviously not noticing that Tony tried to bring more space between them. 

Tony stayed at the edge of the bed and they fell asleep like that, turned towards each other but keeping some distance, and when Tony woke up the next day Bucky had extended an arm towards him and Tony had snuggled around that, pressing the hand to his chest. 

He startled when he noticed that and nearly fell out of bed at that. His little yelp woke Bucky up and Tony yanked his limbs back. 

Bucky looked strangely at him before he got up and wordlessly left the room. 

When Bucky didn’t come back the next few nights Tony knew that it was his turn again. He tried to drag it out, to stay away as long as possible but he knew that sleeping with Bucky was refreshing, contrary to his experiences alone, and so he found himself back in front of Bucky’s door. 

He hesitated before he knocked and the answer came almost immediately. 

Tony entered and silently walked over to the bed. He settled down, the usual distance between him and Bucky, but then he sighed and sat up again. 

“What?” Bucky asked and raised an eyebrow. Tony opened his mouth to answer before he shut it and lay down again. 

“Nothing. Good night.” 

“Okay” Bucky said next to him and shuffled a bit closer. “Can I ask something?” 

“Shoot” Tony answered and opened his eyes again. 

“This” Bucky said and waved between them “works better if I can touch you.” His voice was very quiet and he didn’t look at Tony. “Would you mind?” he eventually asked and Tony took a deep breath before he shook his head. 

Bucky smiled faintly as he extended his hand to lay it on Tony’s forearm. 

“Thanks” he mumbled and was already half asleep. 

Tony waited until he surely was sleeping before he put his hand over Bucky’s and only then did he close his eyes too. 

When he woke up they were snuggled up against each other, limps tangled and hands still clutching each other and Tony shied away as if the touch had burned him. 

This couldn’t keep going on like this. It woke expectations in him and he wanted things from Bucky that Bucky certainly didn’t want to give. At least not to him. 

When Tony carefully moved away from Bucky he decided that this had been the last time. He wouldn’t do that anymore. Especially not if Bucky needing to touch him in order to sleep was now a new thing. 

He left without waking Bucky up and he barricaded himself in his workshop for several nights in a row. 

Eventually Tony could barely stand and he knew that he had to sleep soon. He held up another night just to make sure that he would fall half dead in his bed and he did sleep indeed without a dream though he didn’t feel very rested when he woke up.

When Tony opened his eyes Bucky was in his room watching him. 

“What?” Tony slurred, too tired to get appropriately angry. 

“Why do you keep doing this?” Bucky asked and crossed his arms in front of his chest. 

“What?” Tony asked again, now a bit confused, while he sat up and rubbed at his eyes. 

“Why do you keep not sleeping when I am just a floor down?” 

Yeah, that was not a conversation Tony wanted to have, especially not when he was still waking up. 

“Go away” Tony said and stood up to get dressed. 

“Why do you keep doing this? Is it because of me?” 

Tony started to shake his head but something must have shown on his face because Bucky’s eyes widened. 

“Are you afraid of me? Is that it? Because it can’t be the arm, you can’t be disgusted by the arm, you love it when you work on it.” 

Before Tony could help himself he said “The arm is fine.” 

“Then what? Are you afraid of me? Do you think I will attack you in my sleep?”

Tony stayed silent now, he couldn’t say anything without raising more questions and Bucky looked hurt. 

“Do you really think I would do this when there was the slightest chance that I could hurt you?” 

“I trust you” Tony mumbled and Bucky shook his head confused. 

“Then what? Because this clearly works for both of us, so why do you avoid it? Why do you avoid me?” Before Tony could answer that Bucky added “And don’t even think I never notice how you flee out of bed when you wake up. You are not as stealthy as you think you are.” 

Tony sighed and turned around to Bucky, holding a shirt in his hands. He pointedly ignored the way Bucky’s eyes wandered over his bare chest. His eyes lingered on the arc reactor for a few seconds before he looked Tony in the eye again.

“Why won’t you just accept that it benefits us both?” Bucky asked when Tony stayed silent. 

“It might benefit you but it hurts me more than it helps so why don’t we stop this conversation now?” 

“What do you mean it hurts you? Do I hurt you? I barely touch you and I am always careful” Bucky rushed out and reflexively flexed his metal hand as if he was scared that he had not as much control over it as he thought. 

Tony rolled his eyes. “This is so cliché, but it’s not you. It’s me.” 

“It’s you what? You don’t touch me either.” 

“Because I want it too much” Tony said louder than he had planned and Bucky took a step back. Tony rubbed his face to hide his hurt reaction and then said “Why don’t you just go to Steve with this?” 

“Don’t you think I did that? I tried that, Tony, and it’s not working. At least not as well as sleeping with you does.” 

“Yeah, maybe you shouldn’t say it like that. A guy could get the wrong idea.” Tony finally pulled his shirt on and walked towards the door. “I need coffee now so if you’ll excuse me.” 

Bucky moved too quickly for Tony to really register but suddenly he was standing right in front of him. “Don’t you think there’s a reason why it works best with you?” 

“Maybe it’s the light” Tony shrugged and tapped his arc reactor. “Maybe you just need a night light.” 

“Seriously? This is what comes to mind? No wonder you and Pepper took ages to get together.” 

That was of course not the first thing that came to Tony’s mind but he had learned that assumptions could hurt you and so he stopped assuming at all when it came to people. It also helped to keep his expectations in check. 

“Look, Bucky, I don’t know what you want. Leave me alone or tell me what you mean.” 

“Like you will tell me what you meant by ‘it hurts me’?” Bucky snapped back but then he sighed. “Fine. One of us has to be the adult here. I like you okay? That’s the reason I came to you for this. And I thought.... if I did this often enough maybe it would make you like me too. Or something. What do I know.” 

Bucky nervously pushed a hand through his hair and avoided eye contact with Tony. Which was good because he needed a few seconds to fully understand what Bucky had just said but then he smiled brightly. 

He caught Bucky’s hand in his and tucked gently. “Let’s go to sleep?” he hopefully asked and nodded towards the bed. 

“I thought you wanted coffee“ Bucky said with a tiny smile. 

“This is better than coffee” Tony said with a raised eyebrow and Bucky nodded. 

“Okay. Let’s sleep.” 

They crawled into bed and Bucky kept his distance, careful not to do too much at once, but Tony pulled him closer and snuggled up to his chest. Bucky put his arms around Tony’s middle and pressed a kiss to his head. 

“Let’s do this way more often now” he mumbled into the hair and he could feel Tony’s smile. 

“Let’s do this every night” he replied and shortly after that both fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those things really get longer and longer and if you are still here fore the Steve/Tony tag I sadly have to disappoint you. This will stay with Tony and Bucky for the foreseeable future.


	28. Lie To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soulmate AU where you can't lie to your soulmate

Bucky realized only belatedly that he had found his soulmate the instant he walked into the tower and the workshop. 

Tony had asked him how he felt, playfully so, as to not invoke too much pressure on him, and Bucky, or rather the soldier because he had not been healed enough to recognize himself as Bucky yet, hadn’t know what to do. It didn’t make a difference who he thought he was then, because the moment he had opened his mouth to say that he was fine nothing came out. 

He couldn't answer the question the way he wanted, not with ‘I am’ or a simple ‘yes’; the words got stuck in his throat and so he tried to nod instead but his head wouldn’t move, paralyzed like he was on the chair again, about to be wiped and he had started to panic. 

Bucky didn't remember much from the rest of the day and he nearly forgot about this whole thing, especially after Steve called him out on lying. Steve knew him better than anyone even after all these years and so he immediately realized when Bucky started to lie about being okay and asked him to stop it. That telling the truth was important, especially for Bucky and his healing process. 

And so Bucky had tried, he had tried not to lie to anyone, and it became a bit of a habit. But because of that he hadn't tried to lie to Tony again; so when he finally did, because of something minor of all things, that first day came rushing back to him. 

He was overwhelmed by the implications at first but then he was just glad because it meant he had not gone ahead and fell in love with someone other than his soulmate. On the other hand he was crushed because it meant that he was one of the unlucky ones who had no soulmate. 

He went to Steve with that because while he felt very close to Tony Steve was still his go-to-guy and besides there was no way he would go with this to Tony himself. 

When he told Steve he advised him to not give up hope, that maybe Tony also hadn't lied to him yet. It was hard to believe that in the first place and then Tony himself crushed those hopes when he staggered in, barely able to walk straight, some blood dribbling from his head, covered in grease and what looked like the smoke of an explosion. 

"Shit what happened?" Bucky exclaimed and rushed forward to steady him because Tony did not look like he could stand much longer. 

"Nothing special. Something went boom. I think. Doesn't matter. I'm gonna be good. Nothing a bit of sleep can't fix." 

Bucky narrowed his eyes at him. "Have you been sleeping?" he asked when he noticed the bags under Tony’s eyes. 

"Sometimes?" Tony said but formed it like a question, as if he wanted Bucky to answer that. "Naps. I definitely took naps" he continued when Bucky stayed silent. 

"I think. Probably. Maybe." He eventually shrugged and tugged on Bucky’s arm to get him to move with him to the fridge. "Let me get some food" Tony mumbled and leaned heavily on Bucky. 

"You should get your head looked at." 

"Later. Food first." 

“Tony you do realise that you are bleeding right?" Steve asked from behind them and steadied Tony with an additional hand to his back. Tony brought a hand to his head and when his fingers came away red his eyes widened. 

"Oh" he said stunned and Bucky worried even more now. 

"Why don't you let me clean that up and Steve can make you a sandwich?" 

"...Yes" Tony said after a while like he had to think about that hard first. "I like Steve’s sandwiches." 

"Good then let’s get you over here and sit down so I can take a look at that" Bucky said with a look to Steve who nodded and started to get the things he needed for the sandwich. 

Tony obediently sat down and when Bucky was sure that he wouldn't fall down he turned to get a wet towel. When he turned back to Tony he was smiling at him. 

"What?" Bucky asked a bit exasperated. 

"You're taking care of me." 

"Well someone has to if you don't." 

"I do. Sometimes." Bucky didn't bother to answer him and instead gave him a look. "I eat" Tony said defensively. 

"And that's about it" Bucky said as he carefully pressed the cloth to Tony’s head. It was a shallow wound and the bleeding had already mostly stopped but there was dirt in it and so Bucky carefully cleaned it. 

He knew it must sting but Tony didn't even flinch, possibly to tired and worn out to really notice. 

"When I am done here you'll eat your sandwich and then go to sleep." 

"Yes sir" Tony said sluggishly and tried to salute but Bucky knocked his hand down. 

"I mean it. No more all-nighters in the lab." 

"Kay" Tony mumbled tiredly but his eyes lit up when Steve came and handed him a sandwich. "Food! Thank you." This time he was the one to push Bucky’s hands away when he grabbed for the sandwich. 

As soon as he had his hands on it he stood up. "Thanks, fellas, but I have to go now." 

"To bed I hope" Steve said and he used his Captain America voice to make it sound more like an order than a suggestion. 

"Of course, of course" Tony mumbled his mouth full of food. 

"Tony" Bucky called out before he could make it to the elevator. "Please tell me that you will go to bed." 

"I will sleep" Tony said and pushed a button that was way too low on the control to be for his penthouse. He gave them one last wave with the sandwich and then he was gone. 

Bucky turned around to Steve who was still looking at the closed elevator doors. "Did you see that? That was most definitely a lie he just told me" Bucky said and felt ridiculous that that was the first thing to come out of his mouth after all this. But he also only barely managed to keep the bitterness out of his voice. 

"Yes I did see that" Steve said still a bit shocked by what just happened but then he turned to Bucky. "I am sorry." 

"Yeah well don't be. I knew it." 

"It still sucks" Steve said and Bucky could not argue with that. 

He just had to accept the fact that he was not Tony’s soulmate.

 

Tony had accepted that he most likely was one of the unfortunate souls who did not have a soulmate. 

Since his mother had told him all about it when he was five he had made it a custom to lie to everyone at least once. Of course Hh lied more to those who stayed a little longer and he even told more lies than the average person but not once got the words stuck in his throat like his mother had described it to him. 

By now he lied far too regularly to even notice his lies anymore and it had become a second skin to him. Lies protected him from all kinds of things like, for example, too much meddling from Bucky and Steve. 

It was fine that finally someone besides Pepper, Rhodey and Happy cared about him but occasional it became too much. And he knew that Bucky just meant well but having him so close was hard for Tony. 

When he first noticed that he was falling in love with Bucky he had told a lie like he always did, just to check, and nothing had happened. No words got stuck, no big revelations happened and the day went on like Tony’s heart had not just been broken. 

After his first girlfriend had left him for her soulmate, a messy, painful breakup for both sides, he had sworn that he would not do that to himself, or someone else, ever again, which resulted in numerous one night stands and short flings. He had protected his heart right until Bucky came into the tower and made a place for himself and now Tony was just hoping that Bucky found his soulmate quickly so that he had visual proof that being with Bucky was a thing that would not happen. 

Up until now he had no such luck and Tony’s resistance began to wear thin especially since Bucky spend most of his days in the workshop. Just to prove it to himself over and over again that he and Bucky were not meant to be he told him a little lie whenever they talked, like right now. 

He had no intention of going to sleep and was instead heading back into the workshop and his words came out fluently without so much as a hitch and every time he did this, the longer this went on, the more it hurt him but he could not stop it. 

He needed the confirmation that he was indeed so unlucky to fall for a person that was not intended for him. 

When he reached the workshop, already feeling better since his head had stopped to swim and with his stomach full, there was still some smoke left in the air even though Jarvis was working on it. 

Dummy was driving around aimlessly with a cloth in his arm like he did not know where to start cleaning first and Tony went over to stop him. "It’s okay. I'll do it. You just go over there and mop up my smoothie okay?" He patted Dummy’s arm and then he shot off to do what Tony had asked of him. 

Tony sighed when he looked around in the workshop. This had not gone over well and he knew that it was his own fault. He hadn't been into his work today but he still pushed it and handled it too roughly. 

So he guessed that he deserved that it blew up in his face. His hand wandered to the little scratch near his hairline. He hadn't even noticed that he was hurt and when Steve had started to talk about blood he had been immensely confused. 

"Jarvis why did you not tell me that I was hurt?" he asked and went over to the smoking remnants of the weapon he tried to develop for Bucky’s arm. 

It was a tricky thing because it had to fit in the arm and not make it any heavier  
or restrict its movements and yet it needed to hold enough power that one use would be enough. 

"I did, Sir, but you didn't hear me." 

Oh yeah, right. The ringing in his ears that was caused by the explosion. The same ringing that prevented him now from hearing the elevator doors open. 

He jumped when there suddenly was a hand at his shoulder and he blindly swung the hammer that was lying in front of him. It collided with a metal clonk and the recoil threw the hammer out of his hand. 

"Good to know that I am so welcome down here" Bucky said and took a step back. 

"Sorry" Tony breathed, heart hammering hard in his chest. "I didn't hear the elevator. You scared me." 

"Why didn't you hear it? Are you alright?" 

"The explosion" Tony vaguely said and waved a hand at the mess behind him. When he tried to walk away Bucky grabbed his arm. 

"But you are alright? No other injuries than that little cut?" 

Tony spontaneously wanted to say that he was alright but that was so obviously a lie, especially now with Bucky there, that he had to go for something smaller. 

"It’s not bad. And no, no other injuries besides that. You don't have to worry." 

"Yeah but I do" Bucky mumbled and looked down. "What were you even trying to do?" he asked and looked at the remnants of the shell on Tony’s workbench. "I thought you don't make weapons anymore." 

"Not mass production. I still make some for the suits and for the others." 

"And who would need something with this much fire power?" Bucky only now realized how big the destruction really was and Tony sighed when Bucky whirled around. 

"I am not seriously injured I promise." 

"What the fuck were you trying to do?" 

"Make a very small very destructive weapon?" Tony asked and turned  
around when Dummy ran over a chair that was in his way. 

"Seriously" Tony mumbled and went to get it but Bucky was faster than him. He lifted the chair back up and put it out of the way so that Dummy could not hit it again.

"Who would need something like this? Who are you making this for?" 

"I just thought it would be a good addition for everyone" Tony said vaguely. He didn't want to admit that it was for Bucky but he seemed to sense that he was not telling the whole truth. 

"You are lying. Who is it for?" 

"I was avoiding the question. That is very different than lying." 

"Yeah right. So?" 

Tony rolled his eyes and threw his hands in the air. "Fine. I made it for you. It has to fit into the arm that's why it's so small." 

Bucky looked surprised. "For me? I don't need that much firepower. Not with everything else you gave me already." 

"Then I'll give it to someone else. That will make the whole engineering thing so much easier." 

"Why would you make this for me? Do you think I need the extra protection now that I'm on the team? That I’m not capable of holding my own ground?" 

"Yeah that's exactly it" Tony said and his voice dripped with sarcasm. “Because I think you are" weak and pathetic and need all the protection you can get. 

That was at least what Tony wanted to say except that the words were stuck in his throat and he felt like he would choke on them if he didn't get them out or swallowed them. But as much as he tried to get them out he couldn’t and so he closed his mouth. 

"You were saying?" Bucky asked, one eyebrow raised and his arms across his chest. 

Tony was too dumbstruck to even answer because what just happened felt exactly like the descriptions in all those reports of people who found their soulmate. 

Tony opened and closed his mouth a few more times, trying to figure out what just happened and Bucky grew more concerned with every second that passed. 

"Are you having a stroke? Are you more seriously injured than you said?" He took a step forwards and Tony tried to tell him that "Yes, I am having a stroke" but once more nothing came out and he again nearly choked on the words. 

"Tony what is happening? Do I have to get someone?" 

Tony mentally went over all the little lies he had told Bucky since he arrived and he couldn't believe that he had been too dumb to see it. He was not telling lies he was telling cute little half-truths, bend to his will. 

Tony realized with a start that he grew so good at lying that he didn't even have to really do it anymore. 'I will sleep' had not been a lie because he would eventually sleep and by not putting a time frame to it he made it a truth and it was like that with everything he said. 

The last time he outright lied to someone was after their last mission when he had been seriously hurt and had told Steve that it was nothing and Bucky hadn't been  
there. 

When Bucky took another step closer Tony snapped out of his stupor. "I hate you" he tried to say but again nothing made it past his lips and instead they split into a big smile. 

"What is wrong with you?" Bucky asked now seriously worried. 

"I can't lie to you" Tony said and grinned even more. 

"What?" Bucky asked confused and pointed at the elevator. "No. You just did. Upstairs. Right in my face." 

Tony could see that Bucky was really hurt by that even though he tried very hard to not let it show and now it was Tony’s time to take a step forward. 

"No really. I can't. I was just trying to lie to you and nothing came out. Did you hear me call you weak and pathetic? Because that was what I was trying to say and it didn't work." 

Bucky narrowed his eyes at him. "It worked fine right now” Bucky shot back but before Tony could say something else he continued. “You know that you cannot joke about this right?" 

"Eh yes? I wouldn’t. And besides that would probably also count as a lie so...not possible." 

Bucky was still looking at him like he was insane and Tony began to realize that it might not be a good thing. He hurried to bring some space between them. "Look it doesn't have to mean anything. I know that happens. I just had to say it and you don't have to do anything, just forget it” Tony rambled and dragged his hand through his hair. 

Now Bucky looked definitely angry and Tony took another step back just for good measure. 

"Forget this?" Bucky asked and sounded positively strangled. "How could I ever forget that?" 

"I'm sorry I laid this on you" Tony said because he knew that what he really wanted to say, I’m sorry I told you, would never make it out of his mouth. 

"Do you even know how long I’ve waited for this to happen? Do you? Because I was ready to believe that I was not my soulmates soulmate and that is just a shitty thought to have." 

"Try thinking not having one at all" Tony said before his brain really caught up to what just happened. "So you mean you’re saying…" 

"…that I can't lie to you either, Tony." 

Tony’s whole face lit up and that big smile returned. "And to think we've wasted nearly a year!" he said when Bucky pulled him in and then neither of them had a lot of air to lie to the other, less alone speak.


	29. I Don't Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are some things Bucky doesn't want from Tony

Tony was a solid weighed in Bucky’s lap. He had moved there only a few minutes after their make-out session had started and while Bucky was glad that he was there he would much prefer to watch a movie and cuddle up to each other right now. 

He knew that he shouldn't be thinking that, that he should concentrate on Tony but it was difficult because if he concentrated back on what was happening all he could think about how strange it was to have another person’s tongue in his mouth. 

He knew that it was normal, that it was something people did, but it seemed stupid and unnecessary to him and it distracted him completely. 

While his mind was not in the game his body totally was and Bucky could feel his own reaction but also Tony’s. Tony moved in his lap and their dicks moved against each other and Bucky couldn't help but wonder about the angle Tony used for that. 

He mentally scolded himself, reminded himself that he shouldn't pay attention to things like that, but he couldn't stop his thoughts. He was still kissing Tony back and he let his hands roam freely over Tony’s body and so Tony didn't realize that something was off, that Bucky was totally not into this. 

Bucky managed to keep up with Tony though until he eventually lowered his hands from Bucky’s chest to his groin and when Tony started to undo his belt Bucky stopped. Tony didn't immediately notice and so Bucky snatched his hands to stop him. 

"Stop please" Bucky said and Tony looked confused at him. "What’s wrong?" he eventually asked and Bucky shook his head. 

"I can't... I don't want..." he wasn't sure if telling Tony that he didn't want to have sex would put an end to all this, whatever this was, and so he stopped there unsure of what to do. 

Tony took the words in and then he slid down from his lap. He didn’t look happy and Bucky knew that he had his answer right there. Tony wouldn't do this without sex after all. 

The thought hurt because Bucky was in love with Tony and he had hoped for more than this but it was obvious that that wasn't what Tony had in mind. It seemed that while Bucky wanted a relationship Tony was just here for the physical aspect. 

He looked back up at Tony who finally found some words. "You don't want" Tony started and he stopped there, sentence broken before it could even fully make it out of Tony’s mouth. He shut it then and kept his mouth in an unpleasant line. 

"I guess this is it then" Tony eventually said and didn't meet his eyes. Before Bucky could say anything, anything that would make this better, Tony briskly nodded and turned around, shoulders set in a hard line. He was gone before Bucky could even blink. 

After an indeterminable amount of time Bucky let himself fall down on the couch. He knew that sex was important to Tony, anyone who followed the news knew that, but he hadn't quite thought that it was important enough to end whatever it was they had. 

They never put a name to their thing but Bucky knew that he wanted a relationship with Tony. Not just those stolen moments when no one was around. He wanted to sleep together, he wanted shared breakfasts and rooms, he wanted to cuddle and he couldn't imagine doing it with anyone else than Tony. 

He had suspected that Tony wasn’t in for something quite so permanent but to have it thrown in his face like that hurt nonetheless. 

He didn’t know how much time he spent on the couch but when he finally stood up again it was getting dark outside. He closed his belt and then he went to his room and fell on the bed, too emotionally drained to even undress. 

He stayed there for a while, staring at the wall and trying not to think, until someone knocked at his door. He made a noise that must have resembled a "come in" because a second later Steve pushed his door open. 

He took the situation in and then sighed. "What happened" he asked and Bucky buried his face in his blankets. "Go away" he mumbled, voice additionally muffled by the blanket and he was sure that Steve only heard him because of the serum. 

There was a brief silence and Bucky foolishly hoped that Steve might have listened to him but then the bed next to him dipped. “What's wrong?” Steve asked and poked his shoulder. Bucky let himself move with the force of it but he didn't look at Steve. "Is it because of Tony?" 

Now Bucky peeked up at Steve, who only shrugged. "He stomped past me earlier and told me 'thanks for nothing' so I figured something happened." 

Bucky narrowed his eyes, trying to understand why Tony would say that to Steve and the thought must have been visible on his face because Steve sighed. "I might have told him that he has a shot with you." 

"You did what?" Bucky said and sat up now. 

"Well you wouldn't speak up or do something and he seemed too unsure to act on it. And I thought before you two pine away after each other someone has to do something. So I said he should talk to you." 

Bucky frowned now because the talking never happened. It went straight to kissing and making out. They had never talked about anything and partially it was Bucky’s fault. 

He was too glad, too happy to question anything Tony did because Steve was right. He had been pining after Tony and he would never have done anything about it because clearly Tony deserved better. 

Bucky was nowhere near healed, wasn't even sure if that would ever happen, and even though he was considerably better the Soldier still had his moments where Bucky couldn't keep him in check. Those moments had become less and less lately but they still happened. 

He promised himself that he wouldn't put anyone in danger and so he stayed away from Tony. Until one day Tony waltzed into his room and kissed him right then and there. 

Bucky had been too shocked to do anything for the first few seconds but when Tony started to pull away he finally reacted and pulled him even closer. The only word that was being said was the 'okay' that Tony breathed against Bucky’s lips and that was it. No talk whatsoever. And he told that much to Steve. 

"We never talked. It just...is what it is." 

"But you are happy with it" Steve said and it sounded more like a question. 

Bucky thought about that for a second. Sure he was glad to be with Tony, that they even had whatever it was they had, but happy? He wasn't so certain about  
that. It needed a lot more for him to be happy. A real relationship for example. Confirmation that Tony felt about him like Bucky did about Tony. The kissing and making out was good but not really what Bucky wanted. 

Steve seemed to be able to read his every thought because he clasped Bucky’s shoulder. "Bucky. If this doesn't make you happy you have to talk to him. I think that is long overdue." 

"I’m not so sure he wants to talk to me right now." He wasn't even sure if he wanted to talk to Tony. 

"Whatever it is that happened: he looked hurt, Bucky. Really hurt. I think you should try." Steve didn't even wait for a response from Bucky he just left after that. 

And Bucky believed him, he believed nearly everything Steve said, but now that he was gone it was much more difficult to convince himself to go and talk to Tony. 

He had no idea how he would even start the conversation; he was fairly sure that opening with ‘I don't want sex with you but then again I want a relationship’ was not the best way to go. 

Bucky took a deep breath and decided that he had to do it now, that there was no reason in waiting any longer and so he asked Jarvis where Tony was. 

Tony was of course down in the workshop and when Bucky entered he was almost deafened by the music. He tried to tell Jarvis to cut it down but either he couldn’t hear him, which was very unlikely, or he ignored him, which would make more sense right now. Bucky had already noticed that for an AI Jarvis was weirdly protective of Tony. 

Either way the music stayed on and so Bucky had to step into Tony’s sight of view. He visibly startled but then his face grew hard. He made a quick motion with his hand and the music stopped. 

"What" he asked and already turned away from Bucky, back to his workbench. 

"I think we should talk" Bucky said and even though he really wanted to be able to look at Tony he stayed where he was, back turned to him. 

"There is nothing to talk about. You made everything very clear." 

Bucky winced at that. "Tony, please. Lets' talk" he pleaded and Tony shrugged. 

"I don't know what for but fine" he said but kept his back to Bucky. 

"Can you...please turn around?" Bucky asked, voice small and Tony sighed deeply before he turned around. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and his whole posture told Bucky to go. 

Bucky had thought that it might be easier if he could look at Tony while he said his piece but he had been wrong. This made things so much harder. 

"So talk" Tony said when Bucky stayed quiet for too long. It didn't sound friendly and Bucky couldn't remember what he thought to accomplish here but he still needed to tell Tony the truth. 

"I know that sex is important to you and I am sorry that I...” he made a vague gesture with his hand to refer to the situation earlier, “but I don't want it. I don't want it now and I am not sure that I ever will and I know that you expect it but I just can’t." 

He stopped there not sure if it made sense to Tony but when he looked at him again Tony’s eyes were wide. He let himself fall down on the bench behind him and blinked a few times. "You don't want sex" he finally stated. 

Bucky cringed before he said "No, I just said it, didn’t' I." 

"You don't want sex with me. But you think I expect it." It was still a statement, like Tony needed to break down everything Bucky said and Bucky couldn’t meet his eyes anymore. 

"I am really sorry" Bucky mumbled to the floor. 

"What do you want from me then? Because I thought...." Tony trailed off and Bucky looked back up. Tony seemed thoroughly confused now, just like Bucky felt. 

"You thought I only wanted sex from you." Now it was his turn to state the obvious and Tony couldn't meet his eyes. 

"That is generally what people want from me" Tony admitted.

"Tony, no" Bucky said and took a step in his direction. "I wanted..." a relationship "to be with you because" I love you "I like you." 

It was not what Bucky wanted to say but he was certain that it would be too much. Tony looked overwhelmed as it was. 

"You want me in a nonsexual way" Tony said and sounded stunned. Bucky sighed because it looked like he had to spell it out after all. 

"I want a relationship with you, Tony. The whole thing." 

"Except sex." 

Bucky pressed his lips together because even though he had hoped that this wouldn't be as much of an issue to Tony it sure as hell seemed to be. "Yeah. Except that. I know that... You know what? It's okay. I understand. I just thought we should clear things up. I'll leave you to it then..." Bucky said and turned around, ready to let it go. 

He barely managed three steps before Tony grabbed his arm. "Okay, stop. This is... I think there's a big fucking misunderstanding happening." 

Bucky turned around, curious as to what could possibly be misunderstood and Tony took a step back before he talked again. "I think we need to say exactly what we wanted okay?" 

Bucky shrugged uncomfortable because he obviously didn’t want the same as Tony but before he could open his mouth Tony went on. "I'll start because I think I didn't make myself very clear. I like you and I want that damn relationship with you but you never said anything and so I thought you were just in for the sex." 

"You never said anything either" Bucky stammered and Tony gave him a tight smile. 

"I thought you wouldn't want that from me and I took your silence as confirmation." 

"This really is a big misunderstanding" Bucky managed and Tony laughed. "At least we got it cleared now. We did, didn't we?" Tony asked suddenly concerned again and Bucky shook his head. 

Tony’s face closed up again and Bucky stepped closer to Tony and took his hand. He didn't want to but he still had to make sure that Tony really understood. "But sex won't happen." 

He was ready for Tony to pull away but he squeezed his hand. “Okay.” 

It was said with certainty like it didn’t faze Tony at all and so Bucky thought he had to elaborate. "No, you don't..... I can be honest with you right?" Bucky asked suddenly unsure if this was the right thing to do. 

"I sure as hell hope so. I don't want a repetition of this. You can tell me everything." 

Bucky took a deep breath again before he said "I don't think I ever want sex. And I like being with you but the tongue kisses..." he trailed off, not sure how to finish and Tony tilted his head slightly. "You don't like them." 

Bucky shook his head, too embarrassed to speak and so Tony continued. "But you like kissing and cuddling?" 

"Yes" Bucky breathed and still couldn’t meet Tony’s eyes. Tony put a hand under his chin and brought his head up. "Hey. I am not...whatever it is you think I am. I just have a question okay?" 

Bucky nodded and Tony went on. "There are stories about you being a real ladies man. All of your dates from...before the war suddenly had to share their experiences with you and... Is it because I'm a man?" 

"No. No, it's not" Bucky said instantly and took Tony’s hand again. "And I never did anything with them. I took them out and we danced and then I dropped them off at home with nothing but an innocent kiss. I never did more." 

"Okay. Glad to hear that." Tony had started to pull him over to the couch. "Okay listen. I am going to list a few things and I just want you to confirm or deny. And don't be embarrassed there is no reason to be okay?" Bucky’s eyes narrowed suspiciously but he nodded. He had no idea where this was headed.

"I'm just gonna say it all and you'll interrupt me if something is wrong. So. You like to kiss and cuddle and be with me but you don't like to French kiss and you don’t want sex neither with me nor with anyone else. You get aroused, because that was very obvious, but you don't want anyone to touch you. And I am guessing you do masturbate but it feels like a chore to you. How am I doing so far?" Tony finally asked and smiled at him. 

Bucky felt like his head was going to catch fire, because that was some fairly private suggestions. But Tony was right with all of that and he wanted to tell him but he couldn't speak and so he just nodded. 

"Thought so. Have you ever heard of the term asexual?" Bucky shook his head because what was that supposed to be. "When Steve moved into the tower he had a whole lot of questions about sexuality in this time and he asked me for help. So I dived right into the whole subject, I think I did research for three days and then I explained everything to him. What you said fits the asexual spectrum and I have a file about that right here. We can check it out if you want." 

Bucky’s head swam with all the information he just got, but eventually he shook his head but before Tony could react to that he went on. "I think I would prefer...doing that on my own?" 

"Of course" Tony said and asked Jarvis to open up everything he had on asexuality. "I'll be in my room" he then said to Bucky and kissed his temple. "Take your time." 

When he was gone Bucky turned around to all the screens that were around him and he already felt overwhelmed by the sheer information. "Can we start with the basics?" he asked Jarvis. 

"Of course, sir" the AI answered and closed all the windows except for two. That felt much more doable and so Bucky started to read. 

It took him over two hours to read everything that Tony had gathered on the subject and when he was done he felt so relieved. Everything made so much more sense now. Not all of the things he read applied to him, but that seemed to be normal, and the things that applied made much more sense now. 

After another fifteen minutes just to process everything he got up and went to Tony’s room. He cautiously knocked and Tony called him in. He was sitting at his table working on something but when Bucky came in he turned around to him. 

"And?" he asked. 

Bucky nodded before he found his words. "I think you are right. It...makes much more sense now." 

Tony smiled brightly but Bucky couldn't return the smile. "What does that mean for us?" he shyly asked, afraid that Tony wouldn't want to be with him anymore. 

"Bucky" Tony said and his voice was serious. "It doesn't change anything. I still want to be with you. I still want to have a relationship." 

"But I won't..." Bucky started but Tony interrupted him. "I know. And it's fine. We can have a relationship without sex. " 

"But you...." 

"I like you Bucky. I am in love with you. And I really don't care about the sex. I can do without it. I just want you." 

Bucky couldn’t help but smile at that. "I am in love with you too" he whispered and Tony was in front of him a second later and hugged him hard. "No more keeping silent okay? If something is up, if something is bothering us we have to talk about it” Tony said and Bucky nodded. He really didn't need a repetition of this. 

"Can we...go to bed?" he hesitantly asked, still feeling unsure about everything. "Of course" Tony mumbled and guided him over. 

Tony quickly stripped out of his jeans but kept his shirt and boxers on and Bucky followed his lead. They crawled into bed together and Tony pulled Bucky close. Bucky put his arms around Tony’s middle and buried his face in Tony’s neck and then he exhaled deeply. This was everything he ever wanted. 

"Good?" Tony asked and Bucky squeezed him which prompted a low chuckle from Tony. "Guess that means yes" he said and brushed a kiss on Bucky’s temple. "I like it too" he whispered and Bucky closed his eyes. He felt so relieved that they finally did this, happy beyond words, and they both fell asleep like this.


	30. Colour Me Surprised

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky never thought that mandalas could help

Bucky didn’t even remember which of his therapists had recommended colouring mandalas in he just remembered that he had laughed right in his face. No way in hell would he ever start colouring in mandalas. That was just not happening. 

When the session was done Bucky told as much to Steve and now he realized he should have kept his mouth shut because of course, the first thing that Steve did when they were back at the tower was to buy a fucking mandala book for Bucky. 

He handed it to him one day later together with all the pencils Bucky could possibly need and he grinned like a little child. Bucky took the book and the pencils from Steve but only because he was too perplex to reject them. 

He knew that he had made it clear that he didn’t want a fucking colouring book and that his therapist was a fucking idiot and that he would never ever touch something like that. 

He told Steve as much again and when the smile faded from Steve’s face Bucky felt a pang of guilt. Steve only wanted him to feel better and it was obvious that he was willing to try whatever the therapists suggested even if Bucky was not. 

And Bucky himself knew that he should try more of the things they recommended but it all sounded so stupid and useless and so he never really did what they told him to do. 

And it still seemed to work because he was getting better. It was a slow process and there were some throwbacks but he was improving every day, even without the relaxation technique his second therapist had shown him. So there was no need to start listening to them now. 

Nevertheless he took the book and pencils from Steve with a mumbled “I’ll try” and that brought Steve’s smile right back. 

When Bucky returned to his room he made sure to stash the book in the darkest corner he could find, with no intention to ever lay hand on it again. 

Bucky still had nightmares, some nights worse than others, and he knew how the others dealt with their own nightmares. They usually distracted themselves; Steve went for a heavy workout, Natasha sharpened her knives and Clint made new arrows, all while an action movie was playing in the background. 

Bucky had no clue what Tony did when he had nightmares because he mostly kept to himself but since he spend most of his time in his workshop Bucky guessed that he invented new things or suits instead of going to sleep at all. 

Bucky didn’t believe that Thor ever got nightmares, he seemed way too well-balanced and after Bucky witnessed what the Hulk could do when Bruce changed unexpected he prayed that Bruce didn’t get nightmares at all. 

The thing was that Bucky had tried to copy the coping mechanisms of his team mates but nothing worked for him. If he woke up from a nightmare he was either too shaken or too violent to properly work out and after he nearly killed Steve in a friendly match he crossed that off his list. 

After that he joined Clint and Natasha with his own guns and knives but the movie in the background set him on edge, too many explosions and gun fires to have a calming effect on him. 

He told his therapist, because yes, he did share information, and they told him to listen to music. It wasn’t a bad idea, there were lots of different genres so there should be something that was calming to him and he found that while he usually enjoyed some heavy beats, instrumental songs calmed him down the most. 

It was relaxing to not have to pay attention to what was sung in a song and he enjoyed concentrating on the different instruments. The only problem was that he was still way too restless to really enjoy the experience or to let himself be fully calmed by that. 

His fingers twitched and he bumped his foot up and down and if he lay in bed he would shift around restlessly. 

His nightmares had already cost him four nights in a row before he remembered the book Steve had bought him. He slowly sat up on the bed, debating whether he should get it or not, but when he started to shake his leg he sighed and got up. 

He got the book and the pencils back out of the corner he put them in and weighed them in his hands before he settled down on the floor. He splayed the pencils out in front of him to get a better look at all the colours and then he skimmed through the book until he found a mandala that he liked. 

He hesitated before he picked up a pencil, still unsure about this as well as being amused, but when he actually started to colour the mandala he felt better. His headphones were still in and the colouring motion gave his hands something to do and when he stopped after 40 minutes he really felt better. Maybe his therapist hadn’t been such an idiot after all. 

He never told Steve that he did use the book, too embarrassed to voice it out loud, but whenever he had a nightmare now it was the first thing he tried. Music and colouring. It was like a magic spell and worked every time. 

After the fifth night on the floor Bucky decided that it was too uncomfortable and so he moved to the living room after he let Jarvis confirm that no one was actually there. 

His floor had somehow become the common floor where everyone met and he was quite lucky that no one was there tonight. He instructed Jarvis to alert him if someone came but that wasn’t needed. 

He spend that night and every night after that at the kitchen table, colouring all the mandalas and not even after a month he had to go and buy a new one. He also bought some new colours to bring in some variety and when he was nearly done with the second book he had to admit that this was actually pretty fun. 

He enjoyed to see his progress and to think about which colours to use, what would look best, and when he got bored of his current songs, which happened regularly, he changed to some new ones. 

Nowadays he never told Jarvis to warn him when someone was on his way to his floor because in the nearly half a year he was doing this now no one showed up. Not once. 

Which was a bit surprising but since Bucky still caught the others regularly on his floor when they had nightmares he didn’t think too hard about that. 

 

Bucky nearly jumped out of his skin when he suddenly felt a presence behind him. He really should have heard whoever it was approaching but because of the headphones and his concentration on the mandala he didn’t. Being startled was still a thing that made him fall back on his Winter Soldier reflexes and so he whirled around, his metal hand at the intruder’s throat and a pencil pressed under his chin. 

It was just a mere pencil but Bucky could kill with it and the person seemed to know that because he immediately lifted his hands to show that they were empty. 

When Bucky got himself back under control he recognized Tony and instantly removed his hand from his throat. 

“I’m sorry” Tony said while he rubbed his throat and Bucky took a step back to give him more room. 

“What are you sorry for? I attacked you.” 

“Yeah, but I really should know better by now. I should have announced my presence somehow when you didn’t react when I entered.” 

Bucky felt bad for making Tony feel like he had to be careful around his own house but before he could say that Tony pointed towards the table. 

“Whatcha doing?” 

Bucky fought the urge to cover the book up or stand directly in front of it and instead he shrugged. “What do you care?” 

“Geez, relax. I was only hoping that you would have some new ones for me.” 

“New ones?” 

“New mandalas” Tony elaborated and pointed at the book. “I mean I have a pretty big collection but maybe you have something I haven’t seen yet.” 

Bucky narrowed his eyes. “You want to tell me you collect mandalas.” 

“No. I want to tell you I colour mandalas. What else would they be good for.” Bucky stared incredulously at Tony who laughed. “What? You think your therapist is the only one who knows about this neat trick?” 

Bucky continued to stare at Tony because he couldn’t quite wrap his head around the fact that Tony was colouring mandalas. 

“I see you don’t believe me” Tony said when there was no further reaction from Bucky and he smiled. “I can show you.” 

Tony pointed towards the elevator and Bucky nodded. He quickly gathered up his pencils and the book and then followed Tony into the elevator. They went to Tony’s workshop and when they entered Tony clapped his hands. 

“Jarvis, bring up the special program.” 

Two windows were opened in front of Tony who went over to a locker on his left. He pulled something out that looked like a brush, like Steve would use them when he painted on canvas, but when he turned around Bucky could see that it was made out of some kind of metal. 

Tony gestured at the windows and smiled. “I got bored with the regular ones. So I kinda made my own program. And my own mandalas.” 

He selected a file and a mandala opened on the right window. Tony chose a colour on the left and when he touched the brush to the mandala it shined red, just like it would have with a real brush. Tony turned back around to Bucky who was stunned. 

“You’re not the only one.” 

Bucky was too dumbfounded to properly react to that and so instead he said “Why are you doing that down here? Why not on your floor?” 

Tony put the brush down and shrugged. “This room soothes me. It helps with the anxiety. And I let Jarvis recite me all the data on your arm so if I have an idea I can directly work on it.” 

“You…have data on my arm” Bucky slowly said and Tony grinned at him. 

“Of course I have. That thing is the most interesting piece of tech I encountered in the last year that was not from me. I know everything about that arm by now.” 

“So you could replace it?” Bucky asked and Tony nodded. 

“Of course I can. The prototype is over there” he answered and pointed further into his workshop. 

“Why didn’t you say so?” Bucky demanded and he was angry now. If Tony was able to take the arm off of Bucky why didn’t he say so? 

“Because everyone told me to lay low. I wanted to work on that arm the minute you got here but I got pulled aside by four different people telling me to give you time, to let you come to me, blah blah blah.” 

“Didn’t you think I had enough time by now?” Bucky asked him and Tony shrugged. 

“I don’t know how long it takes to process something like what you endured. I just thought I would wait a few more weeks.” 

“If it means the thing isn’t hydra anymore, I was ready the moment I stepped foot in here.” 

What he didn’t say was that he didn’t want to be Hydra anymore, that the arm was something that reminded him about the fact that he used to be owned by them, and he wanted it gone. To hear now that Tony could make that happen, that he already had a prototype ready for him, was the best therapy that anyone could ever give Bucky. And by the knowing smile that Tony had Bucky was sure that he knew it. 

“So, does that mean you want it?” Tony asked with a smug smile and all Bucky could do was say “Fuck yes.” 

“We can do it right now if you want. It’s ready and I just have to replace your old one. Shouldn’t take longer than a night.” 

“Well, I don’t plan to sleep.” 

Tony chuckled and led him towards the back of the workshop. The arm was right there, on display for everyone to see and Bucky wondered if he would have seen it sooner if he wouldn’t avoid Tony as much as Tony avoided him. 

The two of them never really got along, maybe because they never really talked or because none of them cared enough to get to know the other but Bucky thought that maybe that had been a mistake. 

So far, Tony had been nothing but understanding and that he build an arm for Bucky meant a lot to him. 

“So, I didn’t know what to paint on it so it’s still just metal but believe me Jarvis can make it any colour you want.” 

Bucky was to engrossed in the new arm to acknowledge what Tony had said. The arm was beautiful. It seemed slimmer and lighter than his current one even though Bucky was sure that it had the exact same measurements as his flesh arm. 

“I build in some toys and it’s actually a lot lighter than the one you have. I used the same material as for my suit. And there are more nerve connections. I noticed that you don’t seem to do well with heat and texture and I think I fixed that.” 

“You noticed?” Bucky hadn’t made a big deal about it but it always had bugged him that he couldn’t feel quite as much with his metal hand as he could with his human hand. It was strange to have absolute control over something and still not be able to feel if something is hot or cold. 

“Yes. It was very obvious. If you don’t like it once you have it on we can always change it back. No worries.” 

Bucky had to blink hard to keep the tears away because while everyone had been so nice and supportive this seemed somehow like the most important gesture of all of them. “I think… Thank you” Bucky mumbled and Tony shrugged. 

“It kept me busy. I’m probably gonna make you a new one once I have enough data from this one. I’m sure there are still some things that need improvement.” 

“Can we put it on now?” Bucky asked because he didn’t want to wait a moment longer for this. 

“Sure. Sit” Tony pointed at a chair and Bucky hesitantly sat down. 

He really wanted the new arm but this suddenly reminded him of the Hydra lab and his heart began to beat a bit faster. Tony was more perceptive than Bucky had ever thought because before Bucky could even really understand what was happening Tony led him over to a couch. 

“Sit here. Is that better? Because I can also do it here. Or we can go back to your floor. Whatever works best for you.” 

Bucky swallowed and forced himself to calm down. “The couch is fine.” He could do this. This wasn’t Hydra and Tony didn’t want to harm him. It would be fine. 

“Okay. Then let’s get started.” Tony went to get some tools and when he came back he scattered them all across the couch. “I should warn you I tend to rant to Jarvis about things while I work so… be prepared for that.” 

Bucky nodded because he had not expected something else. Whenever Tony was with the team it was hard to shut him up and Bucky was not surprised that it would probably be worse in his workshop where he felt at home. 

Despite his warning Tony worked in silence for the first few minutes and when he said something it wasn’t what Bucky had expected. 

“So why do you colour them?” 

Bucky really didn’t want to talk about his nightmares and so he gave the question right back. “Why do you?” 

Tony didn’t even seem surprised that Bucky evaded his questions because he promptly said “I have an anxiety issue. And occasional flashbacks. Colouring them in helps a lot.” 

Bucky nodded and Tony looked expectantly at him but Bucky stayed quiet. After a few moments Tony shrugged and went back to his work and another ten minutes passed before Bucky finally said “I get nightmares. About all the things I did.” 

Tony nodded and Bucky expected some useless nonsense like ‘that is to be expected after what you lived through’ and ‘it will get better just give it time’ because that did exactly nothing for Bucky but Tony surprised him again. 

“That must suck. We all lived through some shit that keeps us up at night and I know that people tell you it gets better but it doesn’t. Not really. You just get used to it. And sometimes that just isn’t enough.” 

Bucky was speechless for a second because no one had told him outright that it wouldn’t get better and yet it seemed like the truest thing he had heard in a while. Eventually he nodded. “Steve, Clint and Natasha….” 

“They still have nightmares. And I know for a fact that some things they dream about happened several years back. They deal with that shit for a decade now, especially Natasha. So don’t worry. You’re in good company.” 

Tony had worked through his whole speech and now he took the old arm off. It briefly threw Bucky off because a great weight was suddenly missing but he regained his balance soon enough. 

Tony put the old arm aside and brought back the new one before he checked all the connection points. 

“I don’t want anyone to know” Bucky said out of the blue but Tony seemed to follow him just fine. 

“Sure. I won’t tell anyone. It’s not like I hide in the workshop when I colour them in so I won’t tell.” He gave Bucky a brief smile before he clicked the new arm into place. 

The surge of sensations was almost overwhelming. Bucky could suddenly feel so much; the temperature of the room and Tony’s hands, the calloused places of them and the soft ones, the texture of the couch his hand laid on and it was all nearly too much. 

“How does it feel?” Tony asked and sat back admiring his work. 

“Awesome. There’s so much to feel now.” 

Tony nodded satisfied and went through a few motions with Bucky to test the movability of his hand. “Seems fine to me. Test it for a few days and then come back so we can run a full analysis on this one.” 

“Okay” Bucky said and he knew a dismissal when he heard one. He was a bit hurt that Tony wanted him gone so quickly and some of that must have shown on his face because Tony sighed. 

“I didn’t mean it like that. You can come back whenever you want. You can even use my program if you want.” 

Bucky gave him a grateful smile but shook his head. “Thanks but I like the pencils and how they feel on the paper. But I’ll be back if that’s okay.” Because maybe being friends with Tony wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

“I offered, didn’t I. Now get going. I have things to do.” 

Bucky smiled one last time at Tony and went to the door, flexing and curling his hand to test it. When he reached the door he turned back to Tony who was busy collecting his tools from the couch. 

“You can print me some of those mandalas you made though. If that would be okay. I’m getting tired of the ones in the book.” 

Tony turned back like he was startled that Bucky was still there but then he laughed. “I’ll make some special ones just for you” he promised and Bucky went back to his room. Maybe he would sleep a bit better now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since these 'drabbles' progressively get more and more out of hand with every new one I write I decided that if they exceed a certain word count I will post them as stand alones. So far there will be one more chapter in this collection but then I will post two seperately due to the amount of words they got.
> 
> I hope you will still read them.


	31. Put Down Your Masks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony is wearing too many masks for Bucky's liking

Tony Stark was a cocky bastard and Bucky disliked him with a passion. He was loud, obnoxious and had never heard of personal space and it set Bucky’s teeth on edge. 

Bucky got on with the other Avengers just fine; it hadn't taken long to fall back into a routine with Steve, he plainly adored Natasha and Clint could be funny though he was mostly an idiot. He appreciated Bruce’s calm and composed way and even though Thor could be a bit too much sometimes he was so unbelievable good that it was really hard to dislike him. 

And it also helped that he seemed as puzzled about the time Bucky had found himself in as Bucky. Steve had long caught up with pop culture references but Bucky and Thor were still mostly lost whenever someone made a joke. 

But Tony... Well Tony was a different matter entirely. Bucky avoided him as much as he could, begrudgingly going to the workshop whenever Tony had something new for his arm but other than that Bucky stayed clear of him. 

Bucky wasn't sure if it was because Tony reminded him of himself from before the war or if he just couldn't handle the outgoing personality but he didn't much care. 

Steve repeatedly told him to give Tony a chance, that once Bucky knew him he would also like him but Bucky had no intention of liking Tony. 

Tony himself seemed to be fine with that. He had tried to approach Bucky a few times but after a prolonged silence and a clipped "Can I go now?" Tony finally got the hint. 

Bucky had done his homework and read up on all the Avengers as much as the internet and Shield database allowed him to and what he read about Tony was disconcerting at best. Bucky had been repulsed by Tony’s behaviour and while he acknowledged the change Tony had gone through after his capture in Afghanistan it wasn't quite enough to put him at ease. 

While Bucky wasn't yet allowed on the battlefield it fell to Tony to have Steve’s back and Bucky worried. He wasn't certain that Tony took the fights serious enough and that was only strengthened when he heard his bickering on the coms. 

He had of course seen the sacrifices Tony had made and it soothed his mind to know that when it came to it Tony would most likely have Steve’s back. But Bucky couldn't be sure that Tony would sacrifice everything for Steve, not like Bucky would, and he was not happy with Tony being out on the battlefield while Bucky himself was deemed unfit. 

It didn't help that even in the tower Tony proved again and again that he was on a destructive way. He drank too much, he didn't eat enough and as far as Bucky could tell he did not sleep. 

And still Tony was cocky like his life depended on it and while he certainly wasn't in any position to lecture any of them about their lifestyle he had no problems doing so at great length. 

Bucky had resisted the urge to shut Tony up by shoving his fist in Tony’s mouth more than once and he was quite proud of that accomplishment. 

Nowadays Bucky tried to stay mostly clear of Tony because the more time he spend in the tower the harder it became to repress his urge to beat Tony the next time he opened his mouth. 

By now all of the Avengers had picked up on his dislike of Tony and while they seemed to have no outright problem with Tony themselves they respected Bucky’s decision. Given that except for Steve and Bruce the others also stayed clear of Tony it wasn't that big of a surprise. 

Even Steve had stopped trying to convince him to give Tony a chance and Bucky was grateful for that. He had tired of always telling Steve to let it go and finally Steve seemed to understand. 

Bucky could tell that he was in no way happy with that; Tony was Steve’s friend just like Bucky was and he wanted the two of them to get along but Bucky made it very clear that that would not be happening in the foreseeable future. 

Bucky had avoided going into the workshop for the past week because he didn't trust himself around Tony. Not after the last battle where he had very clearly disobeyed one of Steve’s orders that had endangered the whole team. 

It was pure luck that everyone made it out nearly unscathed. 

Tony’s rash decision had revealed another hidden bomb of the enemy and in the end it saved many people but Bucky was so full of dislike for Tony that he couldn't see past his disobedience and from the behaviour of the others it seemed like they had some difficulty with it as well this time. It had been the third disobedience in a row and it seemed like the team was finally getting wary of Tony as well because at the briefing no one spoke in his favour. 

It helped a lot that Tony didn't come out of his workshop after that, probably hiding there in shame and when Jarvis announced that there was another upgrade for his arm Bucky laughed out loud and Jarvis didn’t say anything else after that. 

Bucky didn't feel like sleeping that evening and so he spent his night in front of the television in the common living room. He must have drifted off eventually because he woke up when he heard a light shuffling. 

He slowly opened his eyes; he had long learned that he was safe in the tower, and the first thing he saw were two bare feet partially covered by the too long jeans the person was wearing. 

He slowly dragged his eyes up and he was met with an unexpected sight. 

It was Tony who was slowly making his way into the kitchen but he looked different. The jeans he was wearing were too big on him, obviously hanging low on his hips and dragging over the floor. The pullover he was wearing was equally too big on him, the sleeves so long that his fingertips were barely visible. 

He was pale, the only hint of colour in his face where the grease smudges which indicated that Tony had been working on something. His eyes were wide even though he was clearly sleep deprived and his usually stylish hair was dishevelled and sticking up in all directions. 

Tony’s movements were uncertain like he wasn't sure he was allowed into his own kitchen and he looked unbelievable vulnerable. 

Tony briefly glanced over at Bucky and then averted his eyes. "I'll be out of your way in a second" he mumbled and quickly made his way to the fridge. Bucky could hear the grumbling of his stomach all the way to the couch and he wondered why he hadn't come out sooner but in the end it didn’t matter because it only matched Tony’s reckless behaviour. 

Tony quickly fixed himself a plate full of food and when he turned back around Bucky could see that the hand holding the plate was slightly shaking. 

Bucky frowned because Tony seemed like he was sick but he hadn’t heard anything about that and surely not even Tony would be so reckless as to still be working in the workshop if he truly was ill. 

Tony seemed to cringe under Bucky’s gaze and looked down on his feet to avoid Bucky’s gaze. 

"Are you ill?" Bucky asked and he didn't miss the way Tony seemed to suppress a flinch. 

"No I'm fine. I'll be gone now." With that he made his way over to the elevator and even when he waited for the doors to close he didn't turn around. 

When he was gone Bucky turned back to the TV but he couldn't concentrate on it anymore. His thoughts stayed with Tony and while he couldn't stand him he was worried that something was wrong with him. 

The others were out on a mission since that morning from which Tony had been banned by Fury and so Tony and Bucky were currently the only people in the tower so no one else would pick up on Tony’s strange behaviour and look after him. 

Bucky knew that Steve would have noticed the engineers’ odd behaviour right away and now Bucky felt compelled to do something for him. Even if he didn't like Tony there was no way he would let him suffer in silence. 

"Jarvis, where did Tony go?" 

"Sir is currently in his workshop." 

Bucky nodded and stood up but then he lingered in the hallway, unsure if he really wanted to go down there. But then he remembered the look on Tony’s face and he quickly walked over to the elevator. 

When he stepped out he could see Tony through his glass doors and he was already working on something, plate with food obviously forgotten on the side. 

Bucky tried the door and to his surprise it swung open without prompting him for a code or anything. Tony turned around when he heard the door and he instantly shrank into himself before Bucky could even open his mouth. 

"Look, I know that you are not happy, and I am really sorry. I didn't mean for Steve to get hurt like that. But I saw the bomb and I had no other choice. I would do it again but I never intended for the others to get hurt because of that" Tony instantly said and played with the sleeve of his pullover, still not meeting Bucky’s eyes. 

"Are you alright?" Bucky asked because this was so far from Tony’s usual behaviour that he really worried something was wrong with him. "Are you feeling okay?" 

Tony finally lifted his eyes until they met Bucky’s and Bucky had a hard time reading them. Tony seemed surprised but also still so withdrawn and small and Bucky didn't know what to make of that. 

"I'm good. Totally fine" Tony cheerfully said and Bucky could hear how forced it sounded. 

When Bucky blinked it was like a completely different person was standing in front of him. Tony was back to his usually cocky self, a crooked smile on his lips and he laughed at Bucky. "Nice to see you care, Bucky bear, but I'm good. Anything I can do for you?" 

Bucky frowned because this was so clearly a mask that he wondered how he hadn't noticed that before. Bucky thought about the update Tony had offered him earlier but somehow it seemed like the wrong thing to say so instead he opted for "No. Just thought I check on you." 

Bucky could see a slight crack in Tony’s mask and knew that he had caught him off guard with that. 

"Didn’t think you liked me enough to care" Tony mumbled and turned back around. 

Bucky shrugged when he said "Maybe I do. Can I stay?" 

"Stay where?" Tony asked and turned back around now visibly astounded. 

"Here. In the workshop. It's boring being all alone up on the common floor" Bucky responded and Tony averted his eyes again. 

"Eh, well, sure. If you'd like." 

"Would you like?" Bucky inquired and Tony squirmed under his gaze. 

"I'm not good company when I work. I tend to...forget that people are down here." 

"That’s fine by me. I just don't want to be alone" Bucky said and watched Tony closely. He seemed to relax when Bucky appeared to be sincere but he still fiddled with the sleeve. 

"You can sit on the couch if you want" he finally said and sounded shy. Like he wasn't used to having company down here even though Bucky was quite certain that both Steve and Bruce spend more than enough of their time with Tony down here. 

But instead of asking he settled down on the couch and got his phone out. There were some things he wanted to read up on and now he definitely had the time. 

It looked like Tony wanted to say something but swallowed it in the last second. Tony turned back around to his workbench and Bucky watched him from the corner of his eye. 

Tony was working on a part of his armour and the more time passed the more relaxed he seemed. After an hour it looked like he had almost forgotten that Bucky was still there. Now Bucky recognized Tony again, he was back to his usual cocky loud self even if it was only with Jarvis. 

Bucky realized only belatedly now that Tony hadn't been like that for quite some time now. It wasn't a surprise that Bucky hadn't noticed it earlier because he did everything to avoid Tony but now that he had seen him vulnerable like this he noticed that it had gone on for longer. 

Bucky decided that he would keep a close eye on Tony to find out what was happening and even though part of him wanted nothing to do with Tony the part that worried about his team mates won out. 

He spent the rest of the night in the workshop and he must have fallen asleep at some point because when he woke up the workshop was empty and someone had covered him with a blanket. That someone must have been Tony, no one else was there, and Bucky smiled a bit at that gesture. Maybe Tony wasn't so bad after all. 

Bucky kept a close eye on Tony and when the others came back from their mission he had discovered a lot about Tony. 

Tony wasn't the self-centred bastard Bucky had taken him for. 

During the week the team was away Tony had improved most of their weapons and had left them in their rooms, easily to discover. Bucky expected them to thank Tony for his work but no one came, not even Steve, but they all used them in the next fight. 

It was now Tony who avoided the team even if it was subtle and no one seemed to pick up on it and when Fury declared that Tony was back on the team there was no celebration like expected. 

What was plainly obvious was that Tony needed a friend. 

Bucky had thought that Tony and Bruce were friends but it seemed to be more like a work relationship than a friendship and Bucky decided that he would be Tony’s friend. 

His dislike for Tony had vanished over the course of the two weeks and now he felt oddly protective of him. Whenever there was a hint of a harsh word towards Tony Bucky was there to take the brunt of it and when he noticed that Tony was a tactile person he made sure to clasp his shoulder as often as possible. 

He joined Tony in the workshop more often than not and the others noticed of course. 

"What are you doing?" Steve asked him one day. "I thought you didn't like him." 

"I thought you said I would if I spend time with him" Bucky answered and Steve was left speechless at that so Bucky turned away. 

When Bucky made his way to the workshop he found that Tony was already waiting for him. He seemed tired. "What do you want from me, Bucky?" he asked and his voice was flat. 

"I don't want anything from you" Bucky said confused about the topic. "What should I want from you?" 

Tony turned around, his back to Bucky, and Bucky had seriously thought that they were long beyond that. He knew that Tony didn't tell him what really bothered or worried him, they had not yet reached that stage, but Bucky had hoped that they were past the evading. 

"I don't know. Why don't you tell me. Everyone always wants something." It was said flippantly but Bucky noticed that it meant more to Tony. 

"Is that the problem" Bucky asked and Tony became small again. It was a technique Bucky had often observed with Tony and to see it now hurt him. 

"It’s not a problem" Tony said and he had his brave mask on now, the one with which he went into battle. "Everybody wants something from me and I am tired of guessing what it is you want." He stopped but then obviously decided to continue. “Bruce wants a lab partner. Someone who understands him. Steve was just looking for a second in command and there is no doubt that I will be replaced as soon as you are cleared for battle. Clint and Natasha…they enjoy the toys I make them. And I think Thor is just tagging along…” he trailed off and now it became painfully obvious to Bucky what was happening here. 

Tony thought that the Avengers moved into the tower because they thought of Tony as useful. Not because they wanted to. Tony didn’t think that he was worth anything except for his money and his inventions.

Now it seemed unnecessary harsh of Fury to ban Tony from the team after the last battle and Bucky understood now how exactly it had hurt him. He wanted to punch the others for not making it clear enough that they did like Tony even when he did nothing for them.

But Bucky could also see how such a misunderstanding would occur. Especially when he remembered how the others had reacted to their new weapons and how everyone took Tony for granted. It was time that someone showed Tony that he was indeed appreciated for being himself.

"Because there is nothing I want from you" Bucky said and walked closer to Tony. 

"I heard you and Steve. You don’t even like me" Tony explained and looked away again. 

Bucky cursed Steve for cornering him in the hallway where everyone could hear them but he put a reassuringly hand on Tony’s arm. 

"I didn't" Bucky admitted and Tony threw his hand off. Bucky took his wrist again. "I didn’t. In the beginning. I couldn't stand you. But that changed. I spend more time with you and I do like you." He tried to make his voice as sincere as possible so that Tony would believe him. 

Tony looked doubtful but Bucky could also see the slight spark of hope. Tony wanted to believe.

"There’s nothing you want?" Tony asked again still sounding a bit unsure and needing the reassurance. He would probably need that again in the future. 

"I want you to be happy and feel safe here." That statement seemed to catch Tony of guard but he got himself under control again a second later. He opened his mouth but before he could say anything Bucky interrupted him. 

"If you dare to say that you are I will break something." 

Tony took a step back until he hit the workbench and Bucky felt bad for his harsh words. "You pretend to be, for the sake of the others" Bucky tried to explain, "but you are not. Not really. I know you by now. I know the way you play everything down. The masks you wear. How you pretend that it is okay with you how they treat you. That you don’t expect anything else. But you deserve to be treated better. And you deserve to feel safe here. I want you to be yourself again." 

Tony looked wide eyed at him and then he had to blink away some tears. 

"I didn't know someone cared" he whispered, voice broken by only a few nice and kind words and Bucky pulled him into a tight hug. 

"I care" Bucky whispered into Tony’s hair and squeezed him a bit tighter while Tony clung to him. They stayed like that for a long time and after that Tony never wore his masks around Bucky again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next three chapters will be posted as stand alones because they reached a certain word count and it doesn't feel right to post them in this as a chapter. I hope you will still read them.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this little thing. I certainly did, except when it keeps me from getting any sleep. And I guess I will take prompts on this so if you have an idea you want me to write, try your luck ;)
> 
> I just wanted to say thank you for all the nice comments and kudos you guys leave me, it means a lot ot me.
> 
> Come find me on my [tumblr](http://bloody-bee-tea.tumblr.com/)


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